How to Talk About Suicide https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-talk-about-suicide (intro music plays) Jack: Hi, this is Jack from reachout.com this podcast deals with how to talk to a friend about suicide. (music stops) Narrator: Wade and Michael had been best mates for years. On the first day of high school, they were seated next to each other and ever since then they've done pretty much everything together, played sport, hung out with the same friends, and on weekends Wade would usually end up crashing at Michael's place. This happened more as they got older, when things got more and more difficult for Wade at home. When Wade was six years old, his dad left the family. It was really difficult for Wade's mum, Janine, to raise three kids on her own, but pretty soon they were used to functioning as four; just Wade, his mum and Wade's older siblings, Tom and Sarah. It could even be said that things were better than ever as they were free of the hostility created by their father, who was often moody and aggressive. In the last two years, however, Wade's mom had started dating a guy named Steve. He and Wade don't get along. In many ways, Steve was a lot like, Wade's dad. Pretty soon and because they were old enough, Tom and Sarah moved out making the tension between Wade and Steve even more noticeable. No matter what her kids said, Wade's mom always seemed to side with their boyfriend. Maybe she was just afraid to lose him. Thankfully Michael's mum always made him feel welcome. Michael’s Mum: You can stay here whenever you need to, Wade. Wade: Thanks Leah. Narrator: But it was at this time that Michael noticed the change in Wade's attitude. He went from being the life of the party to slowly fading into the background. Once upon a time he was the class clown, but now he hardly said anything at school. Michael would press him to talk; about school, about footy, about anything but getting any sign of a spark seemed harder and harder. Michael knew something was up when one day Wade made a comment that really stuck with him. Wade had come to stay the night at Michael's house after a fight with Steve had become physical. He was visibly shaken and upset. Wade: I'm so sick of dealing with this shit. I wish I wasn't even here. I should just off myself, then I wouldn't have to put up with it anymore. Narrator: Michael wondered, did Wade actually mean it? Did he not want to be alive? The idea of suicide seemed so extreme, but it did happen to people they knew. A guy at a nearby high school had taken his own life last year, but there was no way Wade would ever think that was the only option. Would he? The feeling lingered with Michael for days. Wade grew even more distant and when they would see each other, he would hardly talk at all. There was a counselor at their high school named Susie. Michael went to meet with her and she seemed really nice, like talking to a friend's mom. Susie reassured him that he did the right thing, coming to have a chat with her first so as to be best prepared for having, what could be a pretty difficult conversation. She reminded him to have the conversation in private, away from Facebook or anywhere wide, might feel judged or self-conscious. Somewhere he felt comfortable and at a time where they wouldn't be rushed. Michael: I mean, how do I have the conversation? You know, maybe I could like, I don't know, write something on Wade's Facebook walls so that you know, if other people were concerned about it, they could like, you know, come forward and say something. Susie: If you are worried about someone, it's best to have the conversation in a private space where the other person feels safe and comfortable. If you wanted to contact your friend on Facebook, it's definitely better that it's in a private message, but Wade might be more likely to talk in private, you know, face to face. Michael: Yeah, but what do I say? You know, I was thinking something like, um, you know, hey man, you said before you wished you weren't even here. Like, is that true? Do you, do you want to kill yourself? Susie: Just be careful that you don't come off as sounding judgemental when you are worried about someone. It's important that you ask the question directly. Maybe something as simple as, I'm worried about you, are you thinking about suicide? Michael: Yeah, right. Susie: A great way to put your friend at ease is simply by listening to him. Whatever he's feeling, no matter how extreme it may sound to you, it's very real for him. So it's important that you don't make him feel like he's overreacting. It's common for us to say things like, I know how you feel, but the chances are you probably don't. Try not to use phrases like, don't worry about it, you know, because he's worrying about it and that has to be addressed. Michael: And what if like, you know, me saying it, you know, like gives him the idea. Susie: I can see why you might be concerned, but asking someone if they're thinking about suicide doesn't make it worse or put ideas in their head. Michael: But, what if I'm wrong or I just end up, like, sounding like a freak. Susie: If you've noticed a big change in your friend and then something he specifically said has made you think he could be contemplating suicide, you're right to want to bring it up. At the very least, it's a good way to open up your concern for him as a friend. Narrator: Michael left the session with Susie feeling more certain that talking to Wade was the right thing to do, but still bringing it up was going to be difficult. One evening, shortly after, when it was just the two of them playing basketball, it seemed like a good time. They took a seat on the sidelines. It was a warm evening at dusk. Wade: I'm going to sit here. Michael: Hey, you want to stop? Yeah, we can. Yeah, we can take a break. Your game is getting heaps better. Wade: Just a sec. Michael: Mate, you're as good as me. I'm like, I'm really trying out there. Why aren't you on the team anymore? Wade: Never. When? Michael: I thought you loved it. Wade: I dunno, I can't be fucked. Michael: You know, I'm really worried about you, man. You seem, you seem kind of different to the way you used to be. It's like you don't seem to be happy about anything these days, I mean even the stuff you used to love. Wade: Yeah? Michael: Yeah. I mean like the other day you said something that really stuck in my head, you know, you said it would be better if you weren't even here. Dude, like, have you been, you know, have you, have you thought about suicide? Wade: Sometimes. Michael: Ah, man. Wade: Like, I mean, I hadn't thought of like how am I doing it or anything. But... I don't know. I just think sometimes everything would be easier if, you know, I didn't have to deal with it. Michael: Have you told your mom about it? Wade: I reckon she doesn't give a fuck. Michael: I get. You're my best mate. You, I mean, you seem like really low. I just, you know, I want to help. How long have you, you felt like this for? Wade: I dunno, this year mainly. When Steve moved in things got really bad. Michael: Your mom's boyfriend? Wade: I hate that guy Michael: You know, like the way you're feeling. Look, I've never, I've never felt like that before, but you know, I want to help you. Yeah, if I got someone you could talk to, would you? Wade: Yeah, maybe. Michael: Do you think you'll be okay? I mean, you know, like how do you feel now just talking about it? Wade: Better, not so bad? Michael: You coming back to mine for dinner. Wade: Yeah. Michael: Yeah. I just, I don't want you to feel like you're alone in this dude, cause I'm like, I'm there with you. Okay. Wade: Okay. Michael: You know I'm there with you? Wade: Yeah. yeah, I know, thanks man. Michael: Good. All right, let's go home. I’m starving. Narrator: Wade it went to see Susie later that week. She gave him some tools to help him change the way he looked at the situation and to avoid conflict when he was at home. Here are a few things to remember when you're talking to a friend who could be thinking about suicide. Make sure you act on your observations of the person. Are they behaving or talking differently? If someone has had previous experience with suicide or they've recently experienced loss or trauma, they can be at a greater risk. Manage your own fears around the situation. You might be worried about making it worse, but don't be. Saying something the right way is always better than not saying anything at all. Have the conversation in private. Listen without judgment. Get the person talking and ask them directly. Work out if your friend is in any immediate danger and encourage them to seek help. This is a tough conversation to have with someone. If you don't feel like you can follow through with your conversation, try and find someone who can. (outro music plays) Jack: For support and advice in a personal crisis, you can check out the Conversations Matter website at www.conversationsmatter.com.au or www.lifeline.org.au or you can call Lifeline direct from 13 11 14.