Real Stories: Abusive Relationships
https://au.reachout.com/articles/real-stories-abusive-relationships

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Jack: Hi there. It's Jack here from Reachout.com. Today we'll be talking about abusive relationships. This episode will deal with some heavy content surrounding violence, emotional and physical abuse. Please listen at your own pace and tune out, take a break and tune in again when you're ready. We acknowledge that some of the content may remind listeners of their own experiences. We hope that this podcast remains sensitive, but if you feel distressed while listening, we suggest getting in touch with 1-800-RESPECT on 1800737732.

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Yaz: Hi, my name's Yaz. I'm a counselor working with a lot of communities around Sydney. Many of the guys and girls I work with have experienced some sort of abuse, either in their household; from a parent or a sibling, or from a partner. See, abuse can take form in lots of different ways, such as physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual. It can come during explosive, heated moments or occur slowly, almost without being totally obvious, but it's usually always a way of the abuser establishing control and power. Sometimes when you grow up with abuse, you may not recognize when abuse occurs in other relationships in other times of your life. This was the case for Shia.

Shia: It was the fear of not knowing. I was just paranoid all the time because growing up my father would hit me. Sometimes with his hands, sometimes using an object as a weapon. I was pretty afraid the whole time. But it was even worse between the attacks, just living in fear of when he might explode. What was strange was that he would never attack any of my siblings, it was just me and my mother. Sometimes with her it would just be emotional, hiding letters from my grandparents and accusing her of cheating. It was like we were in prison. I just remember feeling so angry and anxious all the time. I was exhausted. 

Yaz: Soon after, Shia met someone, a guy from a nearby suburb a couple of years older. They were instantly attracted to each other and found their lives were very compatible because he was from a similar cultural background. But pretty soon familiar pattern started to appear.
 
Shia: It started really subtly, the abuse from my boyfriend. You know, at first there were these really strong emotional reactions to things that I would do or say that made him jealous or whatever. You know, I didn't mind, I just thought he was being over protective. But then he became more controlling and that's when the violence started. I called it when he was ‘seeing red’ and it was really familiar. It was exactly the same as my father and by that stage we were living together and I felt like I had no one I could turn to. You know, I'd weigh up the decision to leave all the time, but I just decided that because I was strong I could make it work. 

Yaz: Shia was living in an abusive relationship with a partner for a year before she decided enough was enough. That time came for her when a friend opened up about her own abusive relationship. 

Shia: This one day, I was getting coffee with my friend Nina and talking to her. She's a neighbor. I noticed that she was doing the same things I would do to try and take the attention off talking about what was going on. I pushed her to talk about it and she told me that her partner had hit her so hard she couldn't leave the house for a week. It wasn't until I started giving her advice that I realized I should listen to it myself. 

(Sounds of a cafe in the background, Nina and Shia speak to each other)
Nina: I'm not happy, but I just don't think I can leave him. No one would understand.
Shia: Your life won't be over if you leave him and if no one else accepts that, then too bad, you deserve to be happy. 

Shia: It wasn't until I heard the words come out of my mouth that I realized I needed to take my own advice and that's when I met Yaz, the counselor working through a women's outreach center in my neighborhood. Soon after that, I spoke to my mom about taking out an AVO on my father. I moved back in with her to help with my younger brothers and sisters and it was great. My father was living out of his car on the street. I felt a lot of shame and guilt about that situation, but finally I felt safe, and for me, the best part was knowing that my mother was free of living with the daily fear of him 

Yaz: Shia had made a real breakthrough. She managed to end this cycle of abuse both for herself and for her mother. Though for her friend Nina, it was a much slower process. 

Nina: I suffer from depression. I didn't seek out professional help at first. I spoke to my older siblings and they were really supportive. I'm from a Middle Eastern background. A lot of people in my culture can be judgmental when it comes to mental health issues. So when it came to seeking out help about my abusive relationship, it was hard to know where to begin. Victim blaming is common and I realize now this is what I was doing to myself. I believed that it was my fault for being alone with my partner and placing myself in this situation or for making him angry by the things I said and did. I felt like I would be judged. It was a very lonely time. I was with my partner for about four years. The first time I thought about leaving, I spoke to a counselor who said that what I was experiencing was just culture and that there was nothing she could do for me. Now I see that there are limitations within services too and it makes me angry that anyone could even think like this. At the beginning of this year, my depression got so bad that I couldn't even leave the house. I realized I had to do something. I got in touch with Yaz through a friend. Once I got talking about my own problems, she helped me to open up about the abuse I was experiencing at home. That was the first step in making the change.

Yaz: It can be really hard to seek out help, whether that be from a friend, family or even a professional. Everyone has a different approach and experience. Sometimes we're ready to receive help and sometimes we're not and that's okay. It is ultimately up to you to work out when the time is right. 

Nina: There is definitely a culture of silencing that goes on in many communities. I think it's mainly due to a lack of awareness or education on what an abusive or toxic relationship is. At the time I thought that even though we had our problems, our relationship was healthy. It wasn't until I left that I realized just how toxic it was. 

Yaz: When I talked to some men and women about why they stayed in their abusive relationship even after they saw it for what it was, the most common response is fear of being shamed by their families or by the community and because a shift away from abuse can mean restructuring your whole life. The step can seem so big. It stifles people into staying where they are.

Nina: Up until the point I got help, nothing anyone could have said would have made any sense to me. I just needed to work out when I was ready to speak up, when the time was right for me. 

Yaz: With the work that I do, I also get a chance to talk to guys and girls in same sex relationships. They also face their fair share of challenges when it comes to abuse. As was the case with Adim.

Adim: I didn't realize my boyfriend had a drug and alcohol problem because he hid it from me for pretty much the first six months that we dated. His behavior became really extreme and that's when I noticed it. First, fights with other people and then with me. I'm not violent, but I found myself having to fight to defend myself from him and that was it for me. I didn't want to be a statistic or a victim. I cut my losses and moved on. I still believe deep down that he's the same boy I fell in love with and I believe he can sort out his own life eventually. But I'm young, you know, I'm not going to stay in an abusive relationship in the hope that one day it might work out. What for?

Yaz: So what can you say to someone who is in an abusive or toxic relationship? 

Nina: Well, it can be hard to realize you're even in one and especially if it's with someone you're close to because often you don't know any different. I would tell someone, if your relationship is causing you more anxiety and fear than happiness, then that should be a warning sign. Try to take a step back and look at the relationship objectively. You know, work out what advice you would give to a friend who was in your situation and then take your own advice. 

Shia: Don't hide what's happening from your friends or family. My ex tried to cut me off from both of them subtly and over time so I couldn't confide in anyone. Trust your judgment. Don't let them convince you that what is happening to you is normal and that you should keep disagreements private. 

Adim: Get out, don't stay. No matter how much you think you still love your partner. It doesn't matter if it's a hetero or same sex relationship, it's not worth it. You've got to remind yourself that you deserve better than what's being offered to you. And you know what? I tell people, being alone and happy is better than being together and miserable. 

Yaz: If you have grown up around abuse, it can be easy to forget that you deserve to be in a safe, loving environment. Abusers can take advantage of that. Don't put up with being mistreated. Survivors of abusive relationships can sometimes attempt to leave many times before leaving for good. Leaving a relationship is hard, let alone an abusive relationship, so it's understandable if you're not ready to do that because in the end, the survivor must decide when they're ready. Just know that you are not alone. These are just a small fraction of types of abusive relationships that exist, but if you find yourself in one, remember, help is always there when you decide you are ready to receive it. 

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Jack: Thanks for listening to our podcast. For more information on abusive relationships, head to www.1800respect.org.au.