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Deliberate self harm

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What is deliberate self-harm?

Deliberate self-harm (also known as self-injury) is when you deliberately inflict physical harm on yourself, usually in secret and often without anyone else knowing. Some examples are cutting, burning, biting or hitting your body, pulling out hair or scratching and picking at sores on your skin. 

Deliberate self-harm is not necessarily a suicide attempt and engaging in self-harm may not mean that someone wants to die. Most commonly deliberate self-harm is a behaviour that is used to cope with difficult or painful feelings.

Why do people deliberately harm themselves?

People who deliberately harm themselves have often had tough experiences or relationships in their lives. You may have:

  • Been bullied or discriminated against 
  • Lost someone close to you, such as a parent, brother, sister or friend
  • Broken up with a boyfriend or girlfriend 
  • Been physically or sexually abused 
  • Experienced a serious illness or disability that affects the way you feel about yourself
  • Experienced problems with family, school or peer groups

Deliberate self-harm may be used as a way to cope with experiences and the strong feelings associated with it. Self-harm may:

Provide a way to express difficult or hidden feelings

It is not uncommon to feel numb or empty as a result of overwhelming feelings you may be experiencing and engaging in deliberate self-harm may provide you with a temporary sense of feeling again. It may also provide a way to express anger, sadness, grief or hurt.

Be a way of communicating to people that you need some support

When you feel unable to use words or any other way to do so, you may feel that the only way you have left is to harm yourself.

Be a way of proving to yourself that you are not invisible

Feeling the pain when you harm yourself can make you feel real - like you are not invisible - that you do have feelings and that you aren't numb.

Provide you with a feeling of control

You might feel that self-harm is one way you can have a sense of control over your life, feelings, or body, especially if you feel as if other things in your life are out of control.

Bring an immediate sense of relief

It is only a temporary 'solution' though, a 'band-aid fix', because your real feelings of hurt and distress have not been dealt with. It can also cause permanent damage to your body if you injure nerves.

Psychologically, it may be associated with a sense of guilt, depression, low self-esteem or self-hatred along with a tendency to isolate yourself from others. 

Finding help

Lifeline is now online. If you are experiencing a personal crisis, Lifeline can help.

Click here to access crisis support chat now

Although it may seem hard, it's important that you can reach out to someone who can help you work through some of the reasons for harming yourself and find healthier, more positive alternatives for alleviating the pain you feel inside.  It may take time, but it's important to remember that you can move to a happier and healthier outlook.

Speaking to someone about your self-harm may be hard and it is particularly important to trust the person you are speaking with. Try a counsellor or a counsellor at Kids Helpline

If you are having difficulty speaking about what you're going through, you might start with sentences such as 'Right now, I'm feeling...', 'I think it started when...', 'I've been feeling this for...', 'My sleep has been...', 'Lately school/work/uni has been...'.

Or write them down to give to someone you trust.

It may be necessary to talk to someone like a counsellor, psychologist, or psychiatrist to help you to work through some of the reasons why you are harming yourself and to find alternative strategies for alleviating the pain you feel inside. 

Like any relationship, building trust with your counsellor, psychologist or psychiatrist may take time and it is important you find someone you feel comfortable with. This may mean seeing several people before finding the one that you "click" with.

If there is a family member you feel comfortable telling, it may be helpful for you to have their support in finding a counsellor that is right for you.

It's likely that the person you feel comfortable telling will already be worried about you and will be relieved at having the opportunity to listen and help.

If you don't get a positive response, try to remember that it is not because you have done something wrong, but because the person you have told may not know how to respond to what you have told them or may not understand much about deliberate self-harm.

Don't give up! Either try again or maybe speak to someone else who you think you might receive a more supportive response from.

If talking about it with someone is too overwhelming, an alternative is to email or write down what you want to say.

Otherwise, a first step might be to talk to Lifeline (131 114) - cost of a local call from a landline or Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) - free from a landline. Both are anonymous and open 24 hours / 7 days a week.

Kids Helpline offer an email/web counselling service so try their website Kids Helpline

If you or a friend are harming yourselves, it is also important that you take care of the injuries caused and if necessary, seek medical help through your GP or, if it's serious, a hospital's emergency department.

In most situations, doctors and other health professionals must keep information given to them by patients or clients confidential. However, they are required to report information they receive if they have serious concerns about your (or someone else's) safety. See the Confidentiality fact sheet listed and other links listed on the left hand side for more info.

Coping without harming yourself

As well as support from a friend, family member and/or health professional, it may also be necessary to create a list of alternative strategies to self-harm for managing your emotions.

If you are feeling like you want to harm yourself there are a number of things that you might try to distract yourself with until the feelings become more manageable. If you can, make sure that you are around other people and remove any sharp objects from the area.

Some ideas for releasing energy or feelings include:

  • Choose to put off harming yourself until you've spoken to someone else or waited for 15 minutes (and see if you can extend it for another 15 minutes beyond that, continue to do it again and so on until the feeling passes).
  • Write in a journal - you might like to use an online journal. Reach Out plans on having the journals up and running soon!
  • Exercise - Go for a run or walk in the park to use up excess energy.
  • Play video games - This may be a good way to distract yourself and help until the anxiety passes.
  • Yell or sing at the top of your lungs on your own or to music. You might do this into a pillow if you don't want other people in the house to hear. 
  • Relaxation techniques - Activities like yoga or meditation are often helpful in reducing anxiety. 
  • Cry - crying is a healthy and normal way (i.e. not weak or dumb) to express your sadness or frustrations.  
  • Talk to someone - talk with a trusted friends or call a helpline.

Alternatives to deliberate self-harm

There are some more suggestions below that some people have tried in an emergency if none of the above suggestions have helped.

However, these suggestions will not help in the long run as they keep you from addressing the thoughts and feelings that result in this self harming behaviour. 

If you are finding that you are often using these suggestions below, or similar ones, please find help and talk with someone.

These suggestions are alternatives to self harm but they are not a solution to the problem.

  • Punching a pillow or punching bag 
  • Squeeze ice cubes till your fingers go numb 
  • Eat a chilli, or something really hot 
  • Have a cold shower 
  • Put vapour rub or deep heat under your nose (it stings and makes you cry)
  • Waxing your legs (or getting them waxed)
  • Draw or write in red over your body (instead of cutting)

Take care of yourself

It's important to eat well, exercise and be kind to yourself. While not a solution in itself, doing all these things contribute to a higher sense of self-worth, increased stability of moods, and a general better sense of wellbeing - making you feel more happy, on the outside and the inside.

 

You are not alone. Check out some of the stories from other young people, and other resources on ReachOut.com

 

  • This content was created by Reach Out Australia.
  • Last updated 25 Oct 11

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30 Comments (Page 1 of 9)

Antria

25 days ago

Reply Report

Hey all - I sort of agree and disagree. I think everyone's journey with self-harm is different! For some people, I think it does get harder before it gets easier, while for others, things like time, age and learning new coping strategies can make it feel much easier to stop :)


Self-harm can often be a sign that things are really not ok and you are hurting alot. I really encourage you to speak to a counsellor. Even though it can be hard to do that, I found it really helpful and I know of other people who have also found it works well for them. If you aren't sure about speaking to someone in person, Kids Helpline, Lifeline and Headspace all offer online support now through instant messenger.

One of the things that I found most helpful in this area was learning new ways to cope - sometimes they don't feel big enough, but with time and practice you can start to find ways to avoid getting overwhelmed to the point of self-harm. One really useful strategy is to learn about self-soothing (doing nice things for yourself, even when it feels pointless) and also mindful distraction (choosing to distract yourself when you start to feel distressed, and coming back to whatever it is at another time, when you feel better within yourself). I know they are only small things, but sometimes it helps to start somewhere. Take care!

Recovering_Rin

25 days ago

Reply Report

Hi Erd, i understand where you are coming from. I came across this site tonight hopefully to get help myself for the same thing.

I've been seeing my current psych for the past 5 months and have come to realise that i may only think i am hurting myself and its nobody else's business - but the fact is, i am hurting those who love me. You may not feel loved, i often dont, but i have great friends who remind me that i get the courage to reach out to them. It is them that i am doing this for, its them who make me want to stop because honestly, self harm is all that gets me through some days and if i dont do it for them then i will have nothing to stop me.
It will only get worse, i'm sorry to confirm this. I dont know if you are seeing anyone but even then it will get worse before it gets better because every memory, every feeling or lack of feeling gets stirred up... i'm currently sitting here waiting for the moment... but at the same time i have hope that my psych and my friends will get me passed this...
I can only hope that you have someone in your life who you can live for if not for yourself... and if you dont, you always have this community to vent to xx

frankie84

26 days ago

Reply Report

Hi erd, did you know you don't have to go through this alone? Just talking things out with someone supportive can be a big help.

It is hard to believe from where you are standing, I know, but one day you won't have to feel like this all the time. Keep holding on, and please keep trying to seek help - I recommend Lifeline counselling or Kids Helpline.

erd

26 days ago

Reply Report

im over this constant feeling of wanting to hurt myself, im over trying to keep myself from doing it. its not hurting any one but yet i keep myself from hurting myself... i dont get it everynight it gets worse. why wont it go away :(

 

 

 

EDITED BY ADMIN: Guidelines re:details of self harm, see commenting guidelines here.

Rosie

about 1 month ago

Reply Report

Hey vision wolf,


I'm sorry to hear that you aren't feeling supported at the moment. Talking to someone about how you are feeling is a really hard thing to do, and it sucks when they don't respond how you had hoped. It's not always going to be this way! Is there anyone at school like a teacher or a school counselor that you can talk to? if not, now that you are 14 you'll be able to make an appointment at a GP without your parents having to know. A different doctor might have a better approach to helping you, and might be able to listen a little better. 

Here at reach out we have forums where you can talk to other young people who have been through tough times, you can access it by clicking on the yellow 'forum' tab at the top of this page. There are a lot of people on there who can talk to you about reaching out for help, and who have a lot of ideas about how to get throug difficult times. 

Take care, and let us know how you go :)

Rosie.

vision wolf

about 1 month ago

Reply Report

i am a self harmer. i've been doing it for about 2 years now. i know i should get help but i have social problems. my parents devorced when i was 6, and i guess that's where it started. i'm 14 now. i saw the school psychologist for about 5 weeks two years ago, and she told my dad a few things, but then the sessions stopped and nobody did anything. a couple of years before that (i was about 8/9 yrs old) i told my mum and she took me to a doctor. the doctor didn't do anything, and neither did my mum. i told my mum again a year later, but she told me to get over it. i feel like no one wants to help me. i 've had moral support from one of my friends, but almost every day she acts like it doesn't exist.

Randomness

about 1 month ago

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Hi Big Momma, 

It's great that you really want to help your child and you obviously really care about them. Everybody is different and there is no one single way to best help your child as every child reacts differently. They are probably going through a really hard time right now and are likely quite emotional because of it, which makes them more emotional in their reaction to you, and they probably really want to hide the fact that they are doing it, which may be why they got so worked up by you figuring out that they are self harming. It is great that you want to support them and I encourage you to continue doing so, despite their reactions so far. In the long term, your attempts to help them will go a long way. 

In terms of how best to help them, I would suggest you talk to a professional about the best way to support them. One thing you could try is Parentline, which is a phone helpline for parents and carers run by counsellors. The number is different for each state. It won't let me post a direct link, but google it to find each state's number. You could also try Lifeline (13 11 14) who can also give you advice about how to help your child. Otherwise you could perhaps bring it up with your GP next time you see them and get some advice from them, or you could find another mental health care professional such as a psychologist or counsellor and ask them for advice. 

I hope you find something that works for you and your child, and don't be afraid to keep supporting them even though they have reacted badly so far. Remember to look after yourself through this as well as your child. 

Good luck, 
Randomness

Big Momma

about 1 month ago

Reply Report

hi I m the mother of a self harmer. I need help to be able to help them. I do not know where to get this help. I want to be able to talk to my child but am afraid of how to say things or what to say as I do not want to cause them stress that may lead to further self harm. they have always found it hard to talk to me and I am not sure why and would love to overcome this problem. I dont know i they are seeing a counsellor or not . I  have recently told them that i knew they were self harming and that I would do anything to help take them anywhere and they dont even have to tell me why they do it or about their probs but perhaps i should have emphasised that they could talk to me if they wanted too? I also later said that they werent in trouble and that i as not angry with them but that i just wanted to help . they told me that they hated me. Now I am worried that they have done more harm as they have covered one. wrist. i am so scared for them and worried that i cant eat or sleep much . I dont know who I can turn to or how I can help them.

depgirl

about 1 month ago

Reply Report

I have had really bad depression for the past few months, and have been hurting myself on-and-off for about 2 years. For the last couple of weeks I have just felt kind of numb. I have found that I am hurting myself more often. I used to feel guilty about it, but now it doesn't really bother me, except the stress of keeping it out of sight. I told my psychiatrist and she said she didn't want me to do it while I was with her, so she gave me an elastic band to try and stop me. All that achieved though was a different type of mark that I had to hide. I can't get myself to stop it, and other alternatives eg elastic band, don't work. It's getting worse and I don't know what to do.

gphelps

3 months ago

Reply Report

Hey Picador,


Awesome work on not self harming for a week and a half - you should be proud of yourself! It sounds like your aunty is a really supportive person in your life which is great. That sounds like a hard situation with your mum... do you think your aunty might be able to help you approach that conversation? There's also some tips on effective communication here which might be worth checking out. 

It sounds like she is in a honeymood period, like you said. I think it's completely normal to be feeling stressed out and uncertain about what you want - after so long just the two of you it's completely understandable to be feeling uneasy about someone else coming in! It sounds like you're trying really hard to stay positive about your relationship though, which is incredibly mature of you. You definitely seem pretty good at self reflection!

Your cousin sounds pretty awesome too :) It's great that you've got those supportive people around you - they're so important when you're struggling with self harm. Remember to use them when you need them - they care about you and they want to help.

Hang in there - hopefully things start to look up soon. In the meantime, remember to use the supports you've got around you.

Gail

Picador

3 months ago

Reply Report

Hey Bells,


I haven't self harmed in a week and a half. I stayed with my Aunty who, has just been so awesome to be around. I've told her about the self harm and just being around her has made me feel the happiest i've been for 3 months. We've been talking and she suggested maybe i stay with her next year while i do my last year at Uni and also house sit for her for a month very soon. I don't think my mum wants to make a decision and now that i feel i'm not alone, i have my aunty...i don't mind moving out of home and staying with her until mum is out of her honeymoon period. It's incredibly difficult because i don't know how my mum will react, whether she'll be jealous i'd prefer to not be around her, or whether she'll get really up set, she'll disown me, or whether she'll think it's a good idea. I know she wants to move in with him and if i make the decision, she won't have to feel guilty and maybe this is the point where i stop being so stubborn and just let everything go. It still hurts though, she just came back from NZ last night and i called her for 40 minutes and she didn't pick up her phone. Then, when she rang back, she almost sounded like i interrupted her, and that she had to take time out of her day to talk to me. I tried to be really excited, but that didn't excite her. When her boyfriends not around, her phone is glued to her like you wouldn't believe, but when he's around, she puts it on silent and walks away. But, i'm home after not seeing her for a week and i'm going to try and be really excited to see her, even though i really don't like her at the moment and i didn't want to come home. I've got a feeling she'll make me give her the car if i move out...so i'm pre planning to save up to buy my own to get to uni. 

I've chucked out all of my blades and my cousin says if i feel like doing it, just call her...even if it's at 5am...and, now i know i can talk to my aunty and she makes me feel so much happier. I only have to wait a month and a half to house sit. I think i can grin and bare it for now and just pretend to be happy so she doesn't feel like i hate her as much as i do because i know one day, it will work itself out, but as long as she keeps pushing me aside, it's not going to work and i'm going to push her further than what she'll expect, which i hope it doesn't come to, because i do love her. She's just being really mean at the moment. I'm very good at self reflection, but i can't put it in practice. My cousin said, "it's almost impossible to take your own advice". That's pretty spot on.

Bella.

3 months ago

Reply Report

Hey Picador,


Thanks for the comment and for sharing your experiences.

To be frank, I think it's perfectly reasonable that you'd feel really stressed out by your Mum's new relationship. Seven years just you and your Mum? That's going to be a huge change and I reckon most of us would feel all sorts of stuff if we were in that situation. 

So you're allowed to have insecurities - it only means you're human. And it's definitely not your fault.

As for the self-harm, I guess it can be one of those things people turn to when they are having trouble coping, eh? No one can stop you from doing it and it's your choice to do so when you're ready, though I'm wondering if exploring some other coping strategies could help for you? 

You might have your own ideas, but I know that drinking tea, having a hot shower, listening to music, drawing, painting, writing, talking to someone, lighting a candle, playing a computer game, meditating, etc, etc. can work for some people. 

Maybe next time you feel like hurting yourself perhaps you could consider one of these (or something else) options? It's ultimately your decision, but it could be something to try...?

As for your Mum - well.... I'm not sure if you realised this but you've actually articulated yourself amazingly well. If you're worried of what your Mum will think about how you feel, then perhaps you could explain this in a similar way to how you explained it in your post? If you're able to be as honest and straightforward as you were in your post then I think you would have done a wonderful job.

I hope I haven't waffled too much. I wish you the best and please check back in and let us know how you go.

Good luck and take care of yourself,


Bells 

Picador

3 months ago

Reply Report

I kind of don't really understand why i'm here. I've only just started to self harm 1 and a half months ago. I stopped but i started again a week ago and have done it numerous times since. 

I partially know why i'm doing it. I think it's because my mum started dating someone 3 months ago and they're still going strong. I feel that he's taken her away from me. She has time to do things with him, but it's always an effort to do things with me. I don't make it easy for her. When he's around, my behaviour changes dramatically. I don't talk, i get snooty and i'm generally hard to be around. I want to tell her what i'm doing but i've been having a hard time adjusting to her boyfriend and we kept going around in circles with me crying and telling her she doesn't love me anymore because she's always with him. So, we decided to do a clean slate 3 weeks ago and now we are not allowed to bring it up again. Now, i feel trapped and i feel like telling them not to be so intimate in front of me. It's just been mum and i for 7 years and all of a sudden i have to share her. 4 years ago i wanted to try self harming because i was being bullied at school but i was to scared it might hurt. Now, i figured, i'm already hurting, what's extra added pain going to do. 
Now, she just ignores me and my behaviour because she thinks i'm just being rude and disrespectful. I don't want to tell her because she'll break up with him. She'll then resent me for it and i'll never forgive myself for it. But, i really want to tell her that i'm hurting a lot inside. If i tell her, i have a feeling she won't trust me. At the moment she thinks i'm being a spoilt brat but i'm just stuck. Even though he treats her well and he's done nothing wrong to me, i don't want him in our lives. I'm struggling to let her go. I think this is funny....isn't the parent meant to have trouble letting go, not the child...
I'm not really sure what to do. She's going away to NZ with him soon for 2 weeks and i'm going to miss her like crazy and i don't want to end things on bad terms before she leaves but i don't want to tell her. I thought about staying at my aunty's for a while because i guess my biggest problem is having him around the house. I don't mind if she's at his house, or when she's home during the week because i can distance him to the extent that he doesn't exist. But, when he comes here, i just get so angry and i block out and the only thing i feel i can do is harm myself. I want her to know, but i don't because i don't want to harm our relationship, even if it's built on falsity right now. Usually i tell her everything. Lately, i feel i can't talk about anything to her except superficial stuff because we agreed not to talk about him, even though that's what is making me so unhappy because she makes more effort and has more time for him than me.
Any tips would be great. I think it's all my fault and it's my own insecurities that are getting in the way. I know i should stop but to be honest, i don't think i'm ready to yet.

Georgie-

5 months ago

Reply Report

Hey TeddyRocks123,


I'm glad you've found Reach Out and are enjoying hanging out here :) It's awesome that you're wanting to explore this issue a bit more.

Randomness has given a really awesome response so I won't go on too much. I just wanted to reiterate that there's nothing wrong with you - everyone has different ways of coping with things, and it seems that at the moment you are using self harm as your coping mechanism. However, I'd also really encourage you to try and find some healthier and more positive ways of releasing your feelings. Self harm can have a range of negative outcomes, like affecting your physical and mental health, and having to hide things from your friends and family, like you mentioned.

Can you think of any other things that could be a more positive release for you? When things get too much for me, I try and express myself through art, writing, or doing something physical like going for a run. The fact sheet above has some really good ideas for distractions and ways to release your feelings.

I also agree that there is a lot of stigma around self-harm, but I think it's important to recognise that there are some much more positive ways of coping than by harming oneself, which in itself can lead to further problems (eg impacting on self esteem, self worth, relationships etc).

If you'd like to chat a bit more about this, you might like to talk to someone like a counsellor about your thoughts, and see if they have any insights or suggestions. A great place to start would be Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) who also do online web chat, which is really awesome and totally anonymous :) There's also eheadspace (eheadspace.org.au) which is another online service.

You might also like to check out some of the stories people have written about their experiences with self harm here:
http://au.reachout.com/find/issues/mental-health-difficulties/deliberate-self-harm?kt=stories

I hope that helps at least a little bit, and feel free to check back in about how you're going.

Take care,

Georgie

Randomness

5 months ago

Reply Report

:) 

TeddyRocks123

5 months ago

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Wow!! Thank you so much! :) Really helped me understand it better. This is such cool community/site :P

Randomness

5 months ago

Reply Report

Hey TeddyRocks123, 


It is important not to think like there is something wrong with you. This is just a strategy you use to help you cope. It's true there's a lot of stigma surrounding self harm in the community and it's a shame that people who self harm are put so much in the dark. It's a good thing that you are not feeling depressed or suicidal, however you say you use self harm to cope with things. Self harm is a method lots of people use to cope, however it can be dangerous because you can do a lot of damage, sometimes irreparable, to your body. Self harm is a way of coping but it is not the best way. I would encourage you maybe to consider finding other less harmful ways of coping with things. I do think self harm is treated bad in society. A lot of people in the community judge people who self harm without really understanding why they do it and it's a shame people don't try to understand it and support those people better. I think self harm is very complex and there are lots of reasons people do it. I do also think however that it is important to find other ways to deal with the things that are causing someone to self harm because self harm can be so dangerous and damaging. And also like you said it leaves permanent scars that you have to hide. I recommend to you to consider other ways of coping. I hate the way society treats self harm, however self harm is not something I would encourage anyone to do. I hope this gives you something to think about. 

TeddyRocks123

5 months ago

Reply Report

I don't see why self-harming is seen so negatively in the community. It is so socially unacceptable, but for some people it can be fine. I do it, and I'm fine. For me it is a way of coping, when I can't handle things anymore, I release my feelings that way, and can get back in control. I'm not depressed or suicidal. Yet I still need to hide the scars from my friends and family.

Is something wrong with me? I would appreciate discussion, I don't know what to think!

Bella.

5 months ago

Reply Report

Hi Randomness and All things,


It's awesome to see you both being so supportive of each other. 

And Mouse39 - it's also great that you've taken the step to ask about how to get help here. Perhaps this is, in itself, the first step to getting help?

Randomness has given some great advice about Kids help line. I know that both lifeline and headspace are also offering online counselling at the moment, so you could also check that out.

Heres the links..

https://www.eheadspace.org.au/

http://www.lifeline.org.au/Find-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

How you seek help is a really personal decision, though I know that a lot of people find it helpful to start their journey online.

If not, you can always visit your local GP and have a talk with them about your options. They may be able to refer you onto a social worker or psychologist. 

If you want some more ideas, you can also check out the 'who can help you' section here: http://au.reachout.com/find/getting-help/who-can-help-you

I hope that's not too much of an information overload! I'd be really interested to hear how you go so I hope you feel comfortable to check in with us again.

Also, if any of you want to chat with some other RO peeps, don't forget that you're welcome to come and chat in the forums. 

I might see you there.

Take care,

Bells. 

Randomness

6 months ago

Reply Report

Hi mouse39

Some good places to go for help are Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, or you can use their web or email counselling as well. Headspace also has a web counselling section. These are all anonymous so people will not find out. These are counsellors who can help you through any issues you may be having. They have lots of experience talking to young people and are very open and non-judgemental about what you say. It may be scary to reach out for help in this way, but it is one of the best things you can do when you are struggling with an issue, so I would encourage you to break through any fear or concerns you may have and seek help. You can also see a GP or psychologist as these are both helpful at dealing with these sorts of issues. However if you don't want people to find out, Kids Helpline or Headspace are probably the best first steps. If there is a headspace centre in your local area you could drop in there too. 

Randomness

6 months ago

Reply Report

Hi mouse39

Some good places to go for help are Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800, or you can use their web or email counselling as well. Headspace also has a web counselling section. These are all anonymous so people will not find out. These are counsellors who can help you through any issues you may be having. They have lots of experience talking to young people and are very open and non-judgemental about what you say. It may be scary to reach out for help in this way, but it is one of the best things you can do when you are struggling with an issue, so I would encourage you to break through any fear or concerns you may have and seek help. You can also see a GP or psychologist as these are both helpful at dealing with these sorts of issues. However if you don't want people to find out, Kids Helpline or Headspace are probably the best first steps. If there is a headspace centre in your local area you could drop in there too. 

mouse39

6 months ago

Reply Report

how on earth do I ask for help and who can I ask without the whole world knowing?

Randomness

6 months ago

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No you were not being stupid. It's ok to feel bad sometimes. 

A lot of people use this site to read the information, but most people don't feel comfortable posting here. I don't know about rg. I think for some people it is more useful than others. 

Small steps is a good way to start. As you master the small steps you can take bigger ones. 

No it's not stupid you keep coming back here. It's great you're reaching out for help. True there is only so much I can tell you, but you can still ask me questions and I can still be here to support you. And also like you said it is a good way to vent. Keep using these posts if you ever feel like you need to. Don't stop just because you feel like you've posted too much. And yeah you are using this comments page fine. 

It's a shame that the counsellor didn't go too well for you. Different people find themselves more comfortable with a certain person, so maybe that counsellor just wasn't the right person for you. You said KHL was really helpful and they are counsellors too. Maybe you might be able to find a different counsellor and see if they work better. Don't let one bad experience stop you from talking. 

Try not to hate yourself. You are not demented in the head, and don't think of it like you're stuffing up. This is a very hard thing you are fighting so to do it again is understandable. It is a difficult habit to break. Hopefully overtime you'll get better, but in the mean time, if you do harm again, don't think you've stuffed up, you are just struggling with a difficult situation. 

You are normal. You should always feel normal. Self harm is something you are struggling with, it is not who you are and does not make you less normal. Sometimes to get better you have to difficult things, and having the counsellor know who you are is one of these. They won't tell anyone what you told them, and they won't judge you. But you are doing the right thing by talking to them and taking steps to help yourself. 

I hope things work out well for you. 

p.s. I love your random spelling. It makes me smile :)  

AllThings

6 months ago

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Hmm im sorry i was being stupid before... im okay now... i think... how come there is only you an me who use this site?

i kinda just wish i there were more people like me, was all.

what happened to Rg? is he okay?

i did do it again today but im going to try and gradually ease my way out of it an extra day at a time...

is it stupid that i keep comming back here? i mean i supose there isnt much more you can tell me to help me is there? i just have to take what you have said and use it all... I do wish there was more help tho becasue it kinda is a way for me to vent a bit when i type here. but again if im using this comments page wrong let me know and I can find somewhere else.

but thanks for all your help. i really did take alot of it in. i hope i end up okay. no im sure i will. you did so it means i can to if i follow your advice. this will hopfully be the last time i post here but i will visite the sight often... thank you so much... i really mean it... i will never forget you. you are helping me change my life.

AllThings

6 months ago

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So i went and saw the counceler yesterday... i dont know about it. i dont know if it made me feel any better. i told her everything but now i just feel like an idiot because someone actually knows who i am... she said she wouldnt tell anyone. but we sat there for an hour and it didnt feel like we had got anywhere. arnt these things ment to make me feel normal? I told her about this website and that there was this "comments page" which i talked to you on... she said that i should keep posting here becasue it makes me feel a bit better. you know with the whole being annomaus thing... I cant spell...

Im feeling really down today. im trying not to do it again. but what happens if i stuff up... its been 2 days since i did it last. and its useally been around every 2 days...  idk i think im just demented in the head and there is no hope for me sometimes...

I just hate myself so much at the moment and all i feel like doing is well yeah you know...

Randomness

6 months ago

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Thanks for saying that. I'm glad what I'm saying is helping you. 

It's normal to feel bad after you do it, so don't hate yourself for it. At least you are getting help and hopefully things will get better with time. I do think it's important to be open with your counsellor and I hope it goes well for you. That's fine if you don't feel comfortable telling a friend. Just keep it in the back of your mind for the future in case anything changes or someone comes along. Chocolate is always good. Don't feel like your are disappointing anyone or there is something wrong with you. It is true that self harm is an illness of sorts, but everybody feels bad sometimes and this is just the way you have reacted. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or you are lesser person than anyone else. You cannot be better than who you are. This is just a bad time you are going through, but you are the same person you always have been and are always going to be. You are not a worse person, you are just hurting right now. It's really important you don't think of yourself like a bad person. You are an amazing person. I don't know you, but I don't have to know you to say that. You are having a bad time, but you as a person are amazing and awesome and special, and don't ever stop telling yourself that! 

AllThings

6 months ago

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Thanks randomness your advice really is helping.

I did it again today. I guess the whole counsellor thing got to me a bit... I hate my self even more now. but i have decided that Im at least going to show up to my appointment tomorrow... i dont know how much im going to tell her but im hoping she will be able to help with that.

I really would like to have a good friend to talk to about this but i really just cant. i mean its alot easyer telling you on this website becasue no one knows who i am. your also accepting becasue you said you have gone through this. I mean i do want to tell someone its just i think now isnt the right time.

I still cant sleep very well idk whether its becasue im in pain or becasue somthing is wrong with me. and uni starts for me tomorrow so I really dont want to disapoint people i have to get better... there is so much pressure... maybe Ill try eating some chocolate :)

I just think im ment to be better then who i am, better then this, and it hurts me when i think about it... im glad i found this website i glad i found you. thanks for sticking with me through this time its hard for me. but im glad im not alone anymore. i can talk to you...

Randomness

6 months ago

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You're seriously no trouble at all. I am happy to help and I'm glad that you are willing to keep asking questions. It's a good thing on your part. I wouldn't be on this site if I didn't want to talk to and help people like you. So feel free to comment as many times as you like. It is not a problem to me. 


You are definitely doing the right thing. It is really scary to tell someone and start facing your self harm, but it is the best thing you can do, and it's great that you are doing something about it. Going to the counsellors office is the right thing to do. I know it's scary and you are also worried about confidentiality but I would suggest you tell them the truth and you tell them everything. They can only help you with what you tell them, so the more you tell them the more they can help you. You have been brave so far to book an appointment, so be brave when you go in there and tell them what has been going on. 

What you are doing now is like a roller coaster. You don't know what's coming around the corner and you might feel sick while you were there, but when you finish the roller coaster ride you are grateful for the experience and don't regret the fear you went through to complete the journey. It's natural to have this sick feeling inside. It happens to everyone. No one ever expects they will be in this situation, but you are doing the right thing. It's ok to feel scared, but don't let it stop you from getting the help you need. You will probably feel more scared closer to the time when you see the counsellor, but hiding away and turning up won't benefit you. No matter how scared you feel, just go there and tell them what you need to tell them, don't lie and don't hold back (you may want to ask them about confidentiality though before you start talking). You will be scared at the time, but you won't regret it later. One day when you have beaten self harm and you are looking back on your experiences, you will be glad you overcame the fear and did what you had to do. "The only place reward comes before work is in the dictionary!" 

I know I've said this before and you may want to say no and it's a terrifying thing to do, but I feel that for you it would be helpful if you had a friend around you that knew, as well as seeing the counsellor. Of course there are people like me who are like friends to you online, but I think you should find someone who is physically there all the time, not just a counsellor, someone that you trust that is a friend to you. I know it might feel like a burden on them or like you're letting them down if you tell them, but most friends won't feel burdened and will be happy to support you. You might even want to tell them that you're seeing a counsellor and you are doing things about it, you just want them to know and want their support. If they do react badly, there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe they just weren't the right person and you could try another friend, and remember the best person might not be the person you first think of or the person you know best (but they also could be). There is nothing else that replaces the value of having a loving caring friend, and from reading your comments you seem like the sort of person that would benefit from this. Of course I am not forcing you and it's fine if you don't want anyone to know. It's just a suggestion. 

Good luck with the counselling and don't be afraid. I hope it works out well. Feel free to post on here as many times as you like. I'm truly not bothered and I'm happy to hear from you and to be able to help. 

AllThings

6 months ago

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So today I went to the councelers office... just to find out information about it... i was prepared to sign up for an appointment but then i got a little spooked... it seems so stupid that im like this... I sat around for around a hour and finally rang from outside the office and booked in a time... but i still am a little worried and dont know if i should show up or not... i didnt ever think i would be in a situation like this ever... Im really worried about it... what im i ment to talk to her about? I feel so ill atm... ive got this feeling inside me atm like the one when you go down really fast on a roller coaster...

Im sorry that im such a trouble and keep bugging you i just need some one to tell me that i am doing the right thing...

Randomness

6 months ago

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Yeah you can post on here any time. Just remember not to be too graphic. 


I am not totally sure about exactly how much you are allowed to tell them before they will contact someone. I think it would be great to call them again and talk more, but when you do, ask them about confidentiality and when they have to tell. I know by law it is a requirement they tell someone if they think you are going to hurt yourself but I am unsure whether this is just referring to something like thinking about suicide, or self harm as well or just serious self harm, if it is right to call it that. Ask them in more detail when you talk to them and they can tell you exactly how much you are allowed to say before they can report it. It is perfectly understandable that you would not want family and friends to know, but even if any of them do find out, they will most likely love and support you through you it, which will make it better for you. Yes they may be sad at first, but they will be glad they know and are able to help. I say this without know your friends and family so cannot say for certain how they will react, but this is likely. 

It is not an easy cycle to break and it took me a long time but I am glad now that I have broken it. A lot of the stuff I have already said to you is really useful for breaking the cycle, and everybody is different so what works best for you may not be what works best for other people. It sounds to me though like people and talking are really helpful to you. It was the same for me. The most helpful thing for me was just being able to talk to someone about it. I encourage you to keep talking to KHL. But also for me I found it really valuable having friends around me that knew and supported me. I am not saying you should tell all your friends about this, but if you feel like you can, and I know this is really scary, it was for me too, if you can think of any friends you would feel confident telling who you think could support you, it might be really helpful for you to have them know. Only a few people knew about my self harm, but having them know was everything to me, and the love and support they showed me through it made me feel a lot better and helped me to break the cycle, just because I felt loved and not alone. I had been feeling really lonely for a long time before this, but once this happened I no longer felt nearly as alone. It showed me there were people out there that cared and there were always people around, even when I couldn't see them. And sometimes they weren't the people I first expected. 

I still have problems but I no longer use self harm to deal with them. As well as talking, another thing I did a lot of was taking control of my thoughts. For many people this is not easy and it wasn't even that easy for me, but I am very stubborn which helped. I started trying to tell myself no when the thought to self harm came to me. It was hard at first and didn't work a lot of the time, but over time I got better at it and I started to listen to myself, and eventually I could say no whenever the thought came and I haven't self harmed since. This was partly due to the journey and the care of other people and feeling better about myself and like I didn't need to do this anymore. I realised that although self harm is an addiction, just like drugs or smoking, but like these it is also a choice and I have the power the break the habit through choosing every second of every day not to do it anymore. It took time, even after deciding this, but I did learn to stop. In the mean time it was helpful to find things I enjoyed and try to distract myself from doing it, be it through talking to someone or a hobby or something else. Now I am no longer self harming, if I ever have a problem or feel sad, which I do all the time, we are still human and this won't go away, I usually will tell someone about the problem or how I am feeling and talk it through with them. I also make sure I relax during this time and don't let myself get to stressed. I give myself time for breaks between study and watch tv or read or do something fun. Chocolate is always good too :P 

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