An abusive relationship

What is a healthy relationship?

When you are in a healthy relationship, both individuals support each other, sharing the good times and helping each other through the tough ones.  When someone matters deeply to you, and those feelings of trust and respect are returned, it enables us to face the world with confidence.

Building and maintaining a healthy relationship needs the commitment from both of sides in order to work at it. But it is worth it, because in a good relationship, you feel good about your boyfriend or girlfriend, and good about yourself.

Not all relationships work that way no matter how much we might want them to. When there is violence the relationship can become really destructive which can make it both physically and emotionally dangerous.

Key signs of an abusive relationship

While everyone's experience of an unhealthy or abusive relationship will be different, there are some common patterns of controlling behaviour and abuse, which can happen before the relationship becomes physically violent. These include:

Possessiveness

• Checking on you all the time to see where you are, what you're doing and who you're with.
• Trying to control where you can go and who they can see.

Jealousy

• Accusing you without good reason of being unfaithful or flirting.
• Isolating you from family and friends, often by rude behaviour.

Put downs

• Putting you down, either publicly or privately by attacking how smart you are, your looks or capabilities.
• Constantly comparing you unfavourably with others.
• Blaming you for all the problems in the relationship.

Menace + threats

• Yelling, sulking and deliberately breaking things that you value.
• Threatening to use violence against you, your family, friends or even a pet.
• Saying things like 'no one else will want you'.

What to do if you are being abused

• It's not ok to be physically threatened or scared into things that make you uncomfortable or unhappy just because you are in a relationship.
• It's not ok to be put down and pushed around - shoved, hit, slapped, kicked, or punched. No one deserves to be treated this way. No one should use violence - or the threat of violence - to make you do what you don't want to do.
• It's not ok for someone to use the excuse that they are tired, stressed, over-worked or under financial pressure as a reason for their violent behaviour.

If you are living with your boyfriend or girlfriend and are feeling unsafe, find other accommodation with friends, family or, if that's not possible, an emergency accommodation service.

How you might feel in an abusive relationship

"My boyfriend/girlfriend is not violent all the time - he/she loves me"

A violent relationship may not be violent all the time. Some of the time, violent people treat their boyfriend or girlfriend very well. They can be very loving and sorry for their violent behaviour. This can make it hard to see what's really happening. There is a strong chance that the violence will get worse over time and the relationship more abusive.

"Things will get better - he/she didn't mean it"

After a violent event, it's common for both of you to try and make it ok by making excuses, apologising, or promising to change. But there is no excuse for this behaviour, and just saying sorry is not good enough. Sometimes the violent person will blame the victim - "it wouldn't happen if you did what I said".

Things might settle down for a while - the abuser may feel guilty, and you might try to go along with whatever they want. Usually it's only a matter of time before the build-up to violence starts again.

"It's so confusing - I'm sure it's a one-off"

If you are experiencing violence in a relationship, things can feel very confusing, especially if it's your first relationship. You might try to make excuses, think of it as a one-off incident or something that only happened because your boyfriend or girlfriend was drunk or stressed. You might not be sure what behaviour to expect from them.

"Maybe it's my fault"

You might begin to think that the violence is your fault. You might start to try to fit in with whatever they want, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

"I'm scared of what he/she will do if I leave them"

You might also feel scared that they will hurt you if you try to leave.

Breaking the cycle of violence

Breaking up any kind of relationship is hard to do, but it can be particularly hard to leave a violent relationship. When you are frightened and your self-esteem is low, it can be hard to find the strength to leave or break-up. It's sometimes easier to hope that things will change for the better. Too often they don't.

But the first step in changing things is to understand what's been happening is wrong. Even if they say they care about you and you care about them, it's not OK to be treated like this.

Where to get help

Talk to someone - Call the confidential 24 hour helpline that has been especially set up to help you with this situation 1800 200 526. You will be able to talk with experienced counsellors. You can also call the 24 hour Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 (it's also free from a landline) or try Lifeline on 13 11 14 (the cost of a local call from a landline).

Listen to your feelings and trust them - if something doesn't feel right, it probably isn't. Talk to someone who cares about you.

Talk to your parents or other family members, a family member, a friend, or someone in your community like your doctor, your teacher, your local religious leader. Talk to someone you trust.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. You are not responsible for somebody else's violent behaviour. Your first responsibility is to yourself - get safe and stay safe. If you want to talk to someone about your relationship, or you want help to get safe, the contact points provided below will help you find the right person to give you support.

When you call the helpline

• Your call will be answered by a person - no answering machines, no recorded messages.
  The person who answers your call will be an experienced counsellor - not the police, not a government department.
• You will not have to give your name.
  Anyone who is concerned can call this Helpline.
• You can request a male or female counsellor.
  After talking with you about your concerns, the counsellor may offer to put you in touch with another organisation that can provide ongoing help or support.

For emergency situations that require immediate and urgent assistance call 000. Callers who are deaf or have a hearing impairment can call through the National Relay Service on 1800 555 677 and quote 1800 200 526.

More information

National Services

Police or Ambulance or Fire - 000 (Australia only)

Violence Against Women, Australian Says No (Specialises in Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault counseling and referrals) - 1800 200 526

Relationships Australia - 1300 384 277

Mensline Australia - 1300 78 99 78

VIC

Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre (Telephone counselling, information and referral to local services)
Address: 139 Sydney Rd Brunswick
Ph. (03) 9486 9866 Monday - Friday 9am - 5pm OR TTY (03) 9417 2155
Email: dvirc@dvirc.org.au

WIRE - Women's Information and Referral Exchange (Information, support and referral for women)
Ph: 9654-6844 (Mon-Fri 9am - 7pm) OR 1800 136 570 (country callers)

Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria (24 hr Crisis support, information, referral to safe accommodation (refuge) for women experiencing abuse in their relationships)
Ph: 03 9373-0123 OR 1800 015 188 (toll free for country users)

Centre Against Sexual Assault Crisis (support, counselling, information for people who have been sexually assaulted)
Ph: 03 9344 2000 (daytime) OR 03 9349-1766 (After Hours Telephone Service) OR 1800 806 292 (Country)

Immigrant Women's Domestic Violence Service (For immigrant women who are victims of domestic violence)
Ph: 03 9898-3145 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)

NSW

Domestic Violence Line (24hr telephone support)
Ph: 1800 656 463 OR 1800 671 442 (TTY)

Rape Crisis Centre - (02) 9819-6565 OR 1800-424-017 (Country Toll Free)

Immigrant Women's Speakout (Association For migrant & refugee women who are victims of violence, counselling, bilingual workers)
Ph: (02) 9635-8022 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)

Victims of Crime Support Line (24 hour telephone information, support and referral for victims of crime)
Ph: (02) 9374 3000 (metro) OR 1800 633 063 (toll free) OR (02) 9374 3175 (TTY)

ACT

Domestic Violence Crisis Service (24hr telephone counselling, referral)
Ph: (02) 6280 0900 OR (02) 6228 1852 (TTY)

Canberra Rape Crisis Centre (24 hr) - 6247-2525

NT

Domestic Violence Crisis Service, Darwin
Ph: (08) 8945-6200 (9-5 Mon-Fri)

Crisis Line (General crisis counseling - 24hr service) - 1800 019 116

Sexual Assault Referral Centre Counselling (support, information, & 24hr crisis care for recent sexual assault)
Darwin - (08) 8922-7156
Alice Springs - (08) 8951-5880

QLD

Brisbane Rape & Incest Crisis Centre - (07) 3391 0004

Immigrant Women's Support Service (Support for immigrant or refugee women victims of domestic violence, bilingual workers - Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
Domestic Violence (07) 3846-3490
Sexual Assault (07) 3846 5400

SA

Domestic Violence Outreach Service (Telephone and face to face counselling, referral to safe accommodation - 24 hour service 7 days a week) - 1300 782 200

Crisis Care (After hours crisis support for violence and abuse, suicide, child protection etc, 4pm-9am plus weekends & public.hols) - 08 8124 4424

Women's Information Service of South Australia  - (08) 8303-0590 OR 1800 188 158 OR 0401 989 860 (SMS)

TAS

Domestic Violence Crisis Service (Mon-Fri 9am-Midnight, weekends 4pm-midnight) - (03) 6233 2529 OR 1800 633 937 OR 1800 608 122 (Statewide)

Sexual Assault Support Services (Telephone and face to face counseling) - 03 6231 1811

WA

Women's Refuge Group Telephone (support, referral to safe accommodation, Mon-Fri 9am-5pm) - (08) 9420 7264

Crisis Care Unit (24hr crisis support for violence, child protection, suicide, etc) - (08) 9325-1111 or 1800 199-008 or (08) 9325-1232 (TTY)

Sexual Assault & Referral Centre (24 hr Telephone and face to face counselling, female doctors) - (08) 93401828 or 9340 18 20 or 1800 199-888 (Country callers)

Women's Refuge & Multicultural Service (Outreach support for immigrant women who are victims/ survivors of domestic violence) - (08) 9325-7716