Borderline personality disorder

thank you sophie :)

i hate having bpd. 

Hey,

First of all i have to say that you have an amazing awareness about yourself and whats going on. That seriously makes such a difference.

A close friend of mine has BPD and whilst there are so many extremes of it, it can be something that can be controlled.

If you are comfortable going back to a GP or Psychologist may be a good idea and if it makes it any easier you can always print off what you wrote and hand it to them.

I guess with anything, things take time and given time and support im pretty sure that you can become stable and you can learn ways to help with impulses and self harm.

Take care and just know that you are not alone in this ok!

I've read a lot about BPD and whilst I'm aware of the risks of self-diagnosis, I have all of the symptoms to a strong degree. For several months I saw two psychologists for extremely high stress and anxiety levels, and after removing myself from an unhealthy relationship, I became more emotionally stable. However, I feel like I'm reaching a point where I'm going from one extreme to the next, and it is incredibly tiring and stressful. I've realised that since I was about 11 (I'm now 17) I have always had an uncontrollable temper and acted unreasonably towards my family, which is later followed by extreme guilt and self hatred. Recently (for the past year on and off) it and has led me to release my emotions through self harm. I'm extremely impulsive and my mum is clearly worried about it. I also tend to become bored/restless easily and causes me to think more about self harm. Sometimes I can be incredibly motivated to succeed, and then lose all of my energy and struggle to see the point in life. I feel that I should see a psychologist again, but I'm afraid that I'll never be able to have long-term emotional stability/self-control. I'm also afraid that how I'm feeling isn't serious enough for help.

Hi Live,

Thank you for a terrific explanation of BPD. It's a terrible name for it as I don't think it accurately reflects the disorder. I have been dx in past with GAD with co morbid panic, Bipolar 2 disorder, but there has always been something not quite sitting right. Borderline Personality disorder describes my internal state perfectly and I will definitely be talking to my psychologist about this next.

Hi, I have never done one of these things before, but I would like a bit of help with this. I have Tourette's, and this was kind of obvious, and I thought this explained a bit. But then I thought about some of the things that I say and think and do, and I thought I might have BPD. This is because I feel really scared that whenever I see a family member or friend drive off in a car or go in some form of vehicle without me they will get killed or run over (I also feel scared that this might happen to me and that the family I left will be alone). I also have a tendency to binge-eat, and to steal random things for no reason other than I fail to see a reason not to. I also switch moods really quickly, and I often see really, REALLY realistic visions of me hurting myself or other people when I am scared or angry or hurt. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past (most particularly when I was 10 when I got nicked for stealing an iPod because I felt a bit like I had to), and I self-harm (by hitting and slapping and biting myself mostly) if I think I have done something wrong (even though I know I shouldn't), but not as much as I used to. I am really freaked out and I just want some reassurance, or at least a suggestion as to what I should do. I have not talked to anyone because I am scared they will think I am trying to get attention or that I am a hypochondriac.

I do do some other things, like I talk to myself almost more than I talk to other people, and I see dragons and giant snakes sometimes when I am lonely (I have always liked dragons and animals). I'm also kind of hyperactive, and love to run and have fun when I am on an up, but I tend to not finish doing boring things, or things I don't want to do unless they are short or there is a very definite reward at the end of it.

Thanks for reading, hope you have some answers for me.

--Sam

Hi there No Hope,

I really am sorry to hear about everything you are going through.  You are not "manipulative" and should be taken very seriously.

Suicide is not a solution, it's an irreversible action. If you are feeling suicidal it is important to keep yourself safe.  Try to remember that these thoughts about ending your own life are just thoughts.  They do not mean that you have to act on them.  No matter how frequently you have them or how overwhelming they are, it does not mean that you will always have these thoughts.  You can get through this!

I know it may not feel like it now but there are people and services out there who do care and can help you.  You have done a great thing by trying to access help for yourself and I am sorry that you have not found many of the services that you have tried helpful but you need to keep reaching out (it will be worth it!)

It sounds like you stopped going to therapy because your therapist was not able to give you the support you needed.  It's really important to try again, maybe try a new mental health professional who has the capacity to give you the support you need. All professionals are different & while you should stay with her current support network, you can keep looking for other professionals who can also support you. 

A great place to look for this support is your local GP. Your GP will be able to give you advise and refer you on to service sin your local area that will be able to help you. another easy way to find services that can help you in your local area is by calling lifeline on 13 11 14.  They are super friendly and will understand what you are going through and be able to give you advise.  They also have a data base of mental health services Australia wide so they can give you info on all of the services out there that can help you. 

Lifeline are also great to call if you need to speak to someone about everything you are going through. You can call anytime of the night or day for the price of a local call. You can also try their free web and email counselling at this link: http://www.lifeline.org.au/Find-Help...t/default.aspx

I also recommend that you check out this fact sheet that have heaps of info and tips to keep yourself safe if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts:  http://au.reachout.com/find/articles/wanting-to-end-your-life, 

We promise you are not alone in this, you just need to connect with someone who will listen to you and help you with everything you are going through. 

Keep reaching out

Roisin (on behalf of the RO Crew)

Since coming back from a trip overseas to visit my BF's family he has been displaying almost all of the things I have been reading on this site.

Correcting me, me not doing things up to his standard, obsessive about germs/hygiene, how things are done, needing constant validation, driving eradically, impulsive thoughts, changing his mind within seconds. It has become a real concern and stress for me in the last few months.

I believe as this site suggests that due to us needing to seriously think about having children his behaviour has become worse due to stress. We attempted to have a discussion about all that - his opinion on how we should go about it was very strange - he moves out, gives me the child I want, he will support me but it will be my respnsibility.

Coupled with that the issue got worse when we came back from overseas. I am wondering whether this visit exacerbated the stress he was already feeling.

Over the last 14 months he has told me snippets about how he is feeling sometimes and I just put it down to him being precious however when it was getting worse I was getting frustrated and annoyed.

I have tried to understand and not really even noticing that I believe he has BPD. We have broken up in the last 2 weeks and I feel desperately sorry that i did not acknowledge what was really going on.

Can anyone suggest how I should handle this - given we are not together. I still care for him deeply and would love to see him get help. I think he recognises that something is not right but does not know what to do.

Thanks

Just realised I might not be of the right age for this website.  I apologise for posting - just desperate for help.

I have been diagnosed with BPD, depression, dysthmia, complex ptsd...  I am not sure about the BPD - I dont have huge emotional changes as I am low all the time.  I am empathetic which seems to be something BPDers dont show.
In the last 6 months tho, I have been SHing and multiple suicidal attempts.  I started DBT but after 5 months gave up as I had only seen my therapist 4 times in that period as she was always away or sick.  This meant phone coaching was not really an option as I never knew if she would be there.  But, for all the distraction techniques, etc, I tried, they never really helped.
The suicidal feelings never ever stop.  The hospital sends me home and I am getting worse.  It seems like there is a sign which says "manipulative" or "dont take her seriously"  (even tho many attempts have put me in ICU).  The doctors dont seem to be able to help.  I am not hospitalised as I am told "it doesnt help".  And I dont know what to do.  I am 50 now - and desperate to die.  I just want a break from all this.

I probably sound like a broken record now. (i have typed so much).

Dear Roisin -RO Crew,

Hey Alex,

Hi there Alex mc,

My situation is getting worse. I check daily to see if anyone has responded to my previous comment for any help whatsover. I arranged an appointment with a Specialist last week. The arrangement was for the 1st of July.

I bumped into this site a couple of days ago. I was and still am pleasantly shocked because of this site. For over 6 years i have been putting up with aggressive behaviour from my wife. We have two young beautiful children.

I suspect my older sister has BDP and has lived with this for almost 40 years. She is clearly experiencing very real symptoms at this very point in time and I have had to cease contact with her to protect myself and therefore my young family. Our parents and I are just waiting for her to hit "rock bottom" again so she can be hospitalised. Please if someone who also has BDP can tell me if forwarding this page to her now would help her. She is "crying out" in the only way she knows how, but we are all helpless to help her.
How do you tell someone you think they suffer this disorder? Please someone tell me what I can do?

Hi

My ex boyfriend displays symptoms (although not all) of BPD and, through extensive research for an assignment I did, narcissit personality disorder. Although he (only age 21) isn't as extreme as BPD - he isn't at all suicidal or confused feelings; he IS extremely unpredictable, moody (to the point where it seems like he has a split personality), slightly impulsive, slightly delusional (at times), verbally aggressive (also only when he "flips"), fear of abandonment, insecure and definitely has a drinking problem. He claims that he engages in self-abuse through drugs (doesn't have a drug problem), alcohol, not sleeping enough, not eating enough, eating unhealthily. Interestingly, though, he still manages to go to the gym 3 x a week ever since I broke-up with him. I did an essay on narcissism (I'm 20) which I got 94% in (not to boast or anything!) and I believe that part of the reason I did so well was because when I was writing it I was relating it to my then bf and also my Grandpa who is also a bully. He displays Narcissistic symptoms a bit more than BPD but I don't think he is severe enough to classify for either disorders. This is frustrating for me because his mistreatment and obvious mental illness currently has no answer.

E.g., he may bully me, put me down and insult me and be extremely sarcastic, then say "I'm done. Bye. Take care" and hang up then call me back half a minute later saying "I'm sorryyyyyy I want to hug you... come over for a snuggle..." He did this about 6 or 7 times. He is delusional in that his ideas differs (i.e., is the opposite) to what I, my mum & my friends think is true (i.e., the reality of the situation) and, when he gets in these mind sets, he believes that his projection (& sometimes paranoia) is in fact reality.

It'd be nice to be able to put some reasoning to his erratic, irrational behaviour and verbal / emotional abuse and "split personality" (going from being perfect beautiful and loving to being a complete asshole bullying self-centered prick) because I know that deep down in my heart he is a very very good person and so I can stop obsessing over his behaviour!

Unlike narcissism, I think he has empathy although I'm not sure to what degree - b/c, like most, I have issues too (they just don't seem to directly affect my relationships) and his reactions were empathetic.

It'd be great if RO had some symptoms on narcissism or if you could tell me whether or not it is possible for a person to seemingly function normally, yet, once you get to know them, you realise that they are ill and that they have some symptoms w/o having an actual disorder yet?

He has suffered from child abuse & his dad has Bipolar and Psychosis. He refuses to get help and now that I've cut him off (too difficult to be friends - kept getting severely emotionally hurt) I no longer have the power to convince him. I talk to his step mum but I think she's sick b/c she's not answering her phone. Ummmm yeah advice???

Cheers!

Hey all,
I totally missed this fact sheet until now, and I was glued to it from start to finish. It's so helpful! Thank you RO for putting it up in such easy to read terms.

I also wanted to add, that I have come across a couple of books about our friend BPD that are fantastic.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies is great in explaining it in further detail - but in terms like this fact sheet, not all that medical mumbo jumbo! It sounds a bit patronising being that it's a 'for Dummies' book, but ignore that - it's worth a read.

The second is The Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera Van Gelder. I haven't read this one yet, but have heard that it is also fantastic. Apparently it's more of a novel than a fact sheet, following her life and struggles with BPD.

And the third is I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I have read this from cover to cover. I was glued, maybe even superglued. I read it in a couple of weeks. A book that size would normally take me about 6 months. (Crap concentration!) I thoroughly recommend this too!

I hope others can get something out of these like I have. :)

Thanks for sharing your story CasperXx
:D

I really appriciated the 'important note' part. At times I judged as 'bad' or as if I'm delibrately trying to be manipulative or attention seeking. But honestly, if I could change the way I react & cope over night, I would. Not just to make life easier for myself, but for everyone else too.
Borderline is extremely hard to deal with, driving people you love away due to the intensity in emotions and feeling abandoned when this is not the case is so incredibly hard.
But there is hope. I've just strated DBT, but not in the straight forward way, and I'm seeing already small changes in being able to cope with things that would normally send me spiraling downward really quickly. It's a hard battle, but it's worth it to overcome.
Good luck and best wishes to everyone who's struggling with this. And anyone wanting to know more about someone they love, please, the worst thing you can do is desert them now, it only makes things worse. They can and will get better, stick with them, you'll see the beauty that comes.

 

Hi Jodster,

Your post caught my eye, so I thought I'd speak to it.

You wrote that you think your husband won't understand and support you and, if he doesn't, then your marriage is over.  

I was on the other side of BPD (the woman with whom I was deeply in love had it). She pulled away from me and wrote me out of her life abruptly. I assume it was because we were getting too close and she thought I might not support her or understand her situation if I found out. I think deep down she mistakenly thought I would judge her. What she didn’t realise was that I loved her so deeply and truly that there wouldn’t have been a thing I wouldn’t have weathered with her. Now we are apart. She won’t speak to me, ever. She put up a wall and cut me out of her life completely. I’ve tried to reconnect, but every time I did, I was ignored and shut out. It hurt like hell but I understand why (well, now I do). And truth be told, I have never ever stopped loving her—not for one day. If I heard from her now, I would be ecstatic and would welcome it. But I’ve also learned that she needs to want to heal herself and that she needs the room for that healing to happen. (I’ve also had to carry on my own path to healing and happiness.)

So, what I’m trying to say is: I’m not sure what your relationship with your husband is like, but why not give him a chance? Open up and tell him about your situation. You won’t know how things will be until you give someone a chance. Life is too short not to take risks. And if not your husband, then there is someone else out there who loves you and supports you and will understand if you let them have that chance.  All best wishes to you.

I haven't been diagnosed as yet, any second now, but have been doing some serious reading about bpd and I can tick every box so to speak.  I am a single mum of two young children and am struggling every single day.  I am only here because I feel too guilty about leaving my kids without a mum.  Know one seems to understand the absolute torment and frustration of having to live.  I am glad I found this site cause I only now understand I am not alone, that there is an actual condition and there is also help.  I have made an appointment to see the Dr today & want to get a referral for some help.  I am on antidepressants but might as well be taking smarties for all the help they are.  I hope there is something else I can take to help me get through this very rough time so that I can start to learn how to recover from this nightmare, my life!  I read your stories and completely, completely hear & feel everything you say.  I hope we all get better, sooner rather than later.

This is great! It has helped my boyfriend and parents understand more about why I do the things I do.

I have a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For a long time it has ruled my life, not anymore. I am going to take hold of my life stand tall and fight this illness. It is not going to get me down and it will never rule my life again.

I have a soon to be eight year old, I know she doesn't fit into the age group, but she shows many of the signs of BPD. No one can tell me whats wrong with her, and many people point the finger at me and how I'm raising her, but as I have 7 kids I laugh at them, my 2nd child has ADHD and he is placid compared to my 5th, my little girl goes into such a rage that she will start pulling at her hair or biting her flesh, she will throw things around, small things like blocks to larger objects like chair and if she can tables, and anything can set her off.  1 example is her teacher was writing on a white board with a blue marker, this set my daughter into a rage because she wanted a purple marker.  When my daughter gets into these rages she can't get herself out of them, I cry out for help but I'm getting no where fast, I don't know who else to go to, if I don't get help for her soon, I'm going to end up saying words that I may never be able take back.  Please if someone can point me in the right direction it would be greatly appreciated

I was diagnosed with BPD 6 months ago and it explains so much. I have lived my whole life feeling like there is a target on my back with a sign saying ''stab me here'' !! I couldn't relate to other children and so I isolated myself. Because of the stress of bad relationships and my extreme black and white thinking, (either I love you or you are a mean person who I will never trust again), I isolated myself as an adult too. I have never felt like I am good enough for the rest of the world. They are living their lives, and I am just a non person. I try to help others but the rest of the time I just get out of the way before I upset people enough that they will grow to hate me like everybody else. Having BPD is very lonely and I often wonder if I will survive from 1 year to then next. There is a song i heard on the radio the other day, the chorus went ''your mother's cryin', you're going insane''. This describes me. I try to be good, but I fall down alot and each time it is harder to pick myself up again. I feel so alone.

Vorsz,

As the mother to a 16 year old who exhibits every single symptom of BPD, I feel very much like you. My son has been misdiagnosed ADD/ADHD and ODD while only today it was suggested to me to do some research on BPD.. I am angry that after years of doctors, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrist as well as a behavioural school and a number of other services, at no time did anyone consider what now seems to me to be the most obvious "diagnosis" for everything he has done since I can remember.  Unfortunatley my son has been onthe streets on and off since last year and while he frequently makes contact, it is sporadic and typically because he has gotten himself into a situation that requires him to hide out for a while before he takes off again and repeats the same patterns and poor choices he has been making his entire life.  I can only hope that he eventually makes a choice to try and help himself, and I so want him to turn himself around and make a success out of his life instead of insisting on making himself so miserable, and I know he doesnt even know why he does it.

Any other parents out there who have spent years trying to tell people that it isnt just a "rebellious teenage" phase and that somehow we, as parents, should be able to control them? I'd love to hear from you and your coping strategies,

Elle dee