What is bullying behaviour?

If you’ve been called a bully, it means that someone is telling you that your behaviour is not okay. That’s because bullying is a serious issue that can cause all people involved real harm. For the person being bullied, it’s a very stressful experience that can have a serious and long-term impact on their life. It also can cause stress for the people watching it, who may feel helpless and afraid that they’ll be next.

This can help if:

• you've been called a bully

• you want to take responsibility for and change the way you treat others

• you want to stop causing others to feel helpless or unsafe

• you want to help find a way forward so everyone involved can coexist without feeling blame or shame.

What is bullying?

Here’s the formal definition: Bullying is deliberate behavior that is usually repeated and causes harm to someone else. It can be verbal, physical, psychological or social. It can happen in person, or online. It can either be really obvious, or it can be hidden from others. It can be an individual person doing the bullying, or a group of people, who have greater power over someone else.

The defining factors are that it is:

• on purpose

• ongoing

• very harmful

• an abuse of power.

What does bullying behaviour look like?

Bullying comes in many different forms and can happen anywhere: school, home, work, or online (texts or DMs, social media, forums etc.)

Common examples of bullying behaviour

• talking badly about someone behind their back (online or in person)

• teasing someone, calling them names, giving nasty looks or making rude gestures

• spreading rumours or lies about someone (online or in person)

• hurting someone physically by pushing, hitting, slapping, ganging up on or restraining them

• excluding someone from a group (online or in person)

• harassing someone because of their race, sex, religion, gender or a disability

• sharing embarrassing photos of someone online

• posting mean things about someone on social media

• harassing someone online with comments or DMs, or in person by intimidating them or following them.

Am I really a bully?

Sometimes what you think is teasing someone is really something more. Maybe you think the person deserves it. Maybe you think they don’t mind. Maybe you’re not sure but you just don’t feel right about the way you treat someone.

Answering these questions may help clarify things for you whether your behaviour counts as bullying or not.

Teasing vs bullying – which one is it?

If it’s just teasing then everyone should be having fun with it and nobody feels hurt. Is everyone involved up for it?

Ask yourself: Who’s laughing? If the answer isn’t everyone then something more is probably happening.

Conflict vs bullying – which one is it?

Conflict isn’t planned – it just happens sometimes when people get angry with each other. Both parties are upset and no-one is having fun, but there’s a possible solution to the disagreement.

Ask yourself: Can we work it out? If so, that means there is equal power among you, rather than you abusing your power over someone else.

Is it a mean moment?

It’s inevitable that sometimes people will be mean and nasty toward each other, but if it’s just a mean moment then it’s an isolated event. It might be an emotional reaction to something.

Ask yourself: Will it blow over? If it’s repeated and ongoing aggression against someone, then it’s more than just a one-off.

Is it bullying behaviour?

Is your behaviour planned, on purpose, ongoing and intended to hurt the other person?

Ask yourself: Who has the power and how are they using it? Are there more of you? Are you bigger than them? Are you more popular?

Does this sound like you? It takes courage to recognise you might not be treating others with respect, and to do something about it. Respect for yourself and other people matters, and our differences are something to celebrate – not make fun of and cause shame over.

Why do people bully others?

There’s no simple answer, but people often bully others because they're dealing with their own problems. Maybe they feel powerless in other parts of their life, so they try to feel strong by pushing others around. Sometimes it's about fitting in with friends or getting attention. Some bullies might not realise how much they're hurting others, or they've seen bullying behaviour at home or in their community and think it’s acceptable. Maybe they struggle to understand other people's feelings.

While these reasons might explain bullying, they don't make it okay. Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected.

There are NO good reasons to bully someone

If you recognise your actions to be bullying behaviour, it’s important to take steps to acknowledge this and, if it’s appropriate, find ways to make it right with the person you bullied. Despite what others may tell you, there is never any good reason to bully someone. Remember that:

• No-one deserves to be victimised, and there is nothing to gain from it.

• Bullying is always a big deal that affects everyone around the person showing bullying behaviours and the person being bullied.

• You don’t have the right to take your frustrations out on someone else.

• You can coexist with someone you don’t like.

• You don’t have to go out of your way to hurt other people.

• Fitting in with the group shouldn’t come at the cost of someone else’s rights.

• You can change your behaviours and make things better.

It may sound like a cliché, but try thinking about how the other person might feel. Would you like to be treated that way in front of others? Have you ever thought about what they may be feeling? We never know what might be going on in someone else’s life.

How to stop being a bully

It’s not always easy to accept that you’re the bully in a situation but it’s a pretty big step to recognise when you are. Here are some things you can do to help you stop bullying behaviour you notice in yourself: 

• Reflect on why you're bullying others. Are you dealing with your own struggles?

• Practise empathy—try to understand how your actions affect others.

• Learn to manage your emotions in healthier ways.

• Apologise sincerely to those you've hurt.

• Seek help from a trusted adult, counsellor, or support service.

Remember, change takes time, but you're not alone. There's support available, like Bullying No Way! and Kids Helpline, to help you work through your feelings and develop strategies to change bullying behaviour.