What you need to know about shame

What is shame?

Shame is the painful belief that there’s something wrong with who you are inside. It’s the feeling that you’re broken, flawed, unlovable or unworthy.  

While being embarrassed or feeling awkward is usually about something you did, shame is about who you are. It tells you that if people saw the ‘real you’, they wouldn’t want to be around you. It can become part of how you see yourself, driving a lot of everyday behaviours and big life decisions.

Most of us feel shame at some point in our lives. It’s driven by fear of judgement and of the isolation that comes with being rejected. In early human history, being kicked out of your community meant you wouldn’t survive, so our brains evolved to use shame as a ‘warning light’ to keep us connected to our group. That’s why our brains treat social rejection like an actual physical injury, so that we pay attention straight away. 

When shame hits, you might notice:

• your face, neck or chest gets hot or blotchy

• your shoulders drop and you hang your head, to try to appear smaller

• you get a heavy, hollow or sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach

• you suddenly can’t think or speak clearly, as if you have ‘brain fog’

• you feel tearful, anxious, or stuck in racing thoughts.

What is the shame spiral?

A shame spiral is when one embarrassing moment or mistake snowballs into a loop of relentless self-criticism. It usually starts small, but your brain detects a threat and hits the panic button. Instead of thinking: ‘I made a mistake’, your mind jumps to: ‘I always mess up. I’m a bad person.’ 

Because those feelings are so heavy and uncomfortable, your natural reaction might be to hide, or pull away from or snap at people. But backing off or acting out usually leaves you feeling worse, which only feeds the original shame and starts the whole painful loop all over again. With a bit of self-compassion, you can learn to break this cycle.

What’s the difference between shame and guilt?

Shame and guilt often appear together, but they affect our headspace in very different ways.

• Guilt is about your actions. It’s feeling bad about something you’ve done that doesn’t align with your values. Maybe you ghosted a friend, lied to your parents or forgot an important commitment. Guilt can actually be a helpful nudge. It motivates you to apologise, move on and not do that thing again.

• Shame is about your identity. It’s feeling like you’re a bad person at your core. It’s the belief that you aren't just making mistakes; you are a mistake. Importantly, it doesn’t give you a way out of the feeling. It just makes you feel stuck, hopeless and broken.

What makes us feel ashamed?

Shame is a complex emotion and it can take some work to find out its root cause. But, there are a few big reasons why shame shows up.

It’s tied to expectations, failure and self-worth

Everybody makes mistakes and fails at goals. If you’ve been told your self-worth is tied to what you can do, then failing at something can feel deeply shameful. Shame is a self-fulfilling cycle, meaning that feeling shame about failing makes it harder to do better next time, which leads to more shame. 

It’s built into society

If you don’t fit a certain idea of ‘normal’, systemic biases can make you feel fundamentally ‘less than’. This is true for many marginalised groups, like LGBTQIA+ people, or people living with disability. Over time, it’s easy to internalise these messages and to mistake society's faults for your own personal failures.

Some topics also feel shameful to talk about socially, like sex and bodies. So it’s easy to develop shame around a common physical experience if it’s not talked about openly. 

It’s used to police behaviour

Have you ever been told, ‘You should be ashamed of yourself’? Shame is a common way for someone to impose their beliefs and expectations on to other people. But it’s not always that obvious. Sometimes this ‘policing behaviour’ can look like an eyeroll, an interruption when you’re speaking, or being told you’re ‘too much’. This is a common experience for neurodivergent people, who can struggle to understand unspoken social expectations and feel they have to ‘mask’ to fit in.

Policing of our behaviour usually starts in childhood. If the adults or caregivers in your life used judgement or humiliation to control your behaviour when you were a child, you might have learned to use shame to shape yourself into someone other people found ‘acceptable’.

Watch below to hear how Phoebe's experience of ADHD shaped how she saw herself, and how she’s come to own it.

Download transcript.

It ‘explains’ traumatic experiences and abuse

It’s very common to feel ashamed after experiencing trauma, especially abuse. When someone hurts you, your brain tries to find a reason for why it happened. But it can be very hard to confront something traumatic, or to accept that someone you love has hurt you. It’s easier to believe: ‘I’m bad and deserved this’, than: ‘The people around me failed to keep me safe.’

If you were treated like you didn’t matter, you might have started believing it. But someone else’s choice to hurt or neglect you is a reflection of their character, never of your worth. You didn't deserve it then, and you don't have to carry the blame for it now.

What effect can shame have?

Because shame feels like a threat to our survival, our brain goes into defence mode to protect our soft spots. If you’re feeling shame, it can look like:

• Internalising or hiding away. You might cancel plans, avoid making eye contact, ‘forget’ to get back to someone, or you become a people pleaser to avoid disappointing anyone. You might try to be 100 per cent perfect to distract people from the ‘real’ you, or you give up on something entirely because you feel you don’t deserve to be successful.

• Externalising or lashing out. If the pain of shame is really intense, your brain might flip it into anger. You might become overly defensive, blame others, or hurt someone before they can hurt you.

• Numbing out. You might use drugs, alcohol, doom-scrolling or self-harm to shut out the critical thoughts in your head. Watch clinical psychologist Nasalifya Namwinga break down what self-harm is, why it happens, and how to manage urges and seek support.

What are some ways to deal with shame?

There isn’t a magic cure for shame. If you’re struggling with deep-rooted shame, working with a professional can provide a safe space to unpack it all and help you heal. However, there are some practical strategies you can use right now to break out of the shame spiral.

• Talk about it: Shame thrives in secret. When you tell a trusted friend, ‘I’m feeling really ashamed about this’, the shame loses its power. Chances are, your friend has also struggled with shame and can relate to how you're feeling.

• Fact-check your inner voice: When your thoughts turn critical, try talking back. Instead of thinking: ‘I’m a toxic person’, try: ‘I made a choice that didn’t align with my values.’ Replace ‘I’m a failure’ with: ‘I struggled with this, but I’m still capable.’

• Trace the roots: Ask yourself who or what is making you feel this way. If it’s a toxic person, an algorithm or a broken system, it doesn't define you. You aren’t responsible for causing the trauma, hardship or discrimination you experienced. And remember: don’t judge your younger self based on the knowledge and self-awareness you have now.

• Try to identify what it is you actually need: When you feel the urge to numb out or to snap at someone, pause for a moment and ask: ‘What does my body/mind need right now?’ Shame tricks us into wanting to isolate, but what we usually need is the opposite – like to go for a walk, have a real conversation or eat some comfort food. Address your actual need instead of punishing yourself for having it.

• Track the moments when shame hits: The next time you feel worthless, write down what thoughts are running through your head. Seeing them written down can help you to understand they are just thoughts you're having, not absolute truths.

• Align with your values: If you feel bad because you acted against your values (e.g. you weren’t a great friend), do one thing today that does align with that value. Your next move defines you more than your last mistake.

• Act like you matter (even if you don’t feel it yet): Everyone makes mistakes and has messy thoughts sometimes. You deserve to be treated with kindness, simply because you are a person. If you don’t believe that yet, fake it. Act the way someone who knows they deserve love acts, and see how the world shifts around you.

What can I do if the shame feels overwhelming?

When shame feels all-encompassing, your nervous system goes into fight-or-flight mode. You need to calm your body before you can reason with your mind.

• Name it to tame it: Say out loud: ‘I’m feeling ashamed right now.’ By labelling the feeling, you stop being the feeling and start being the person observing it. 

• Change your physical space: Step out of the room. Walk away from a tense conversation. Close your laptop. Or step outside for some fresh air. It’s hard to get a perspective on something if you stay glued to the exact environment, screen or space that triggered you in the first place.

• Do a 30-second reset with a grounding technique: Try ‘belly breathing’: take deep breaths so that your stomach pushes out, not just your chest. Slow, deep exhales tell your nervous system you’re safe. Or try ‘5-4-3-2-1’: name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste. This technique anchors your mind back in reality.

• Use the ‘best friend’ test: If your best friend spoke about themselves the way you’re talking to yourself, would you call them ‘broken’ and ‘unlovable’? Probably not. You’d likely give them a hug and help them figure out a way forward. Treat yourself with that same grace.

When should I seek professional help to deal with shame?

If shame is starting to run your life, you don’t have to carry that weight alone. A professional can provide a safe, non-judgemental space where you can unpack these feelings.

Consider reaching out if:

• the feeling of worthlessness is constant and won’t go away

• you’re avoiding school, work or friends because of it

• you’re self-harming or using substances to cope

• the shame is tied to past trauma that feels too heavy to handle solo.

You can start by chatting with your GP or a mental health professional like a psychologist or school counsellor. Reaching out is the first step towards feeling better.