Signs of an abusive relationship

This article discusses abuse. If you’re currently in distress, please head to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for support.

It’s not always obvious that you’re in an abusive relationship. This article flags some of the key signs to look for when you’re in an abusive or controlling relationship. It’s common for someone who is being abused to believe that it’s their own fault and that they somehow ‘deserve’ the abuse. It’s important to know that you’re never to blame for the way an abusive person treats you.

This can help if:

• your partner tries to control your behaviour

• your partner threatens to harm you, your pets or the people you love

• you’re scared of your partner 

• you’re looking for safe ways to get out of an abusive relationship

• you want to know how to help someone in an abusive relationship.

Key signs of an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship isn’t just limited to physical violence - it can include sexual, emotional and financial abuse, too. Here are some signs to look for:

• controlling and possessive behaviour (obsessively monitoring your location, trying to control where you go and who you see)

• being unreasonably jealous (accusing you of flirting or cheating, trying to isolate you from your friends and loved ones)

• putting you down (attacking your intelligence, looks, mental health or capabilities, comparing you unfavourably to others, blaming you for relationship problems and their violent outbursts)

• deliberately breaking things that you value

• yelling at you

• physical violence against you (pushing, shoving, hitting or grabbing)

• forcing or tricking you into having sex or doing things you don't want to do

• physical violence against those around you (family, friends, pets)

• threatening physical violence against you and those around you (family, friends, pets)

For more information about different types of abuse, take a look at our guides to physical abuse, sexual assault and emotional abuse.

Things you might feel in an abusive relationship

'My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me'

Your violent partner may act lovingly towards you at other times and may truly feel sorry for their horrible behaviour, so it might be hard to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is quite a high chance that their violent behaviour will continue. Abusers can be incredibly charming people, especially if they’re trying to make you or others see them in a good light.

'Things will get better – they didn't mean to hurt me'

After a violent episode, it's common for both you and your abuser to try and downplay what happened with excuses, apologies or promises to change. You may feel embarrassed or scared to acknowledge what actually happened. Things might settle down for a bit, but it’s often only a matter of time before abuse happens again. It's very difficult to completely get rid of physical abuse in relationships, and any abusive behaviour, without professional help.

'It's so confusing – I'm sure it's a one-off'

If you’re experiencing abuse, things can feel really confusing, especially if it's your first relationship or if it is the first time your partner has shown abusive behaviour towards you. You might not be sure what to expect next. Abusers often try to influence your sense of what’s real, to make you feel confused or even that you’re going crazy. This is known as ‘gaslighting’. Statistically, though, if someone behaves violently once, they’re very likely to do it again.

'Maybe it's my fault'

You may begin to think that you’re to blame for your partner’s abusive behaviour. They might excuse their behaviour by saying something like, 'It wouldn't have happened if you hadn’t…'. The truth is that no matter what you do, another person’s abusive behaviour is never your fault.

'I'm scared of what will happen if I leave them'

It’s not unusual to feel afraid of leaving your abuser. You might feel unsafe, or scared of what they might do to you or themselves. You might also feel that you aren’t capable of making it on your own without them. It’s important to remember that there are people who can help you every step of the way.

Where to find support if you're in an abusive relationship

1800RESPECT, a free national hotline that provides information, referrals and counselling for domestic violence, family violence, and sexual assault, is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Call 1800 737 732 to speak to someone now.

You can also browse our directory of domestic violence support services in Australia.