How to tell someone about your self-harm

Summary:

• Opening up about your self-harm isn’t like confessing you’ve done something ‘wrong’. It’s about getting the support you deserve.

• You don’t need a perfect script. Being honest about what’s happening, and about what help you need, is the most effective way to start the conversation.

• It’s okay to feel nervous, or even ashamed or scared. Just know that telling a safe person about your self-harm is a brave step towards feeling more in control. 

Why should I tell someone about my self-harm?

Opening up about self-harm is a really tough conversation to have. But when you share about it with someone you trust, it allows them to provide the emotional and practical support (like sitting with you during a crisis or helping you to find professional help) that makes long-term healing possible. 

For many, keeping self-harm hidden can wrap the experience in shame, which often fuels the urge to self-harm. Bringing those feelings into the light with a trusted person can break the cycle. If you’re worried they’ll freak out or take charge, remember that you can start small. You don't have to say everything. You can just say, 'I've been struggling lately and I need some extra support.'

Who should I tell about my self-harm?

If you’re planning to tell someone about your self-harm, think about who you feel safe with that is calm, non-judgemental and supportive. This might be:

• a friend who is a good listener

• a parent, relative, teacher, coach or community member 

• a professional like a GP or school counsellor.

If you aren’t ready to tell someone you know, you could text or call a helpline like Kids Helpline or Lifeline. They’re there to listen, and they can even help you to role-play a conversation before you do it for real.

How do I have a conversation about my self-harm?

You don't need a perfect script to tell someone about your self-harm, but there are a few things you can keep in mind to make it easier for both of you:

• Do it in a way that feels comfortable for you. If speaking face-to-face feels too intense, try sending the person a text, writing them an email, or talking while doing an activity together (like walking or playing a board game) so you don't have to make constant eye contact.

• Check their headspace. Try to bring up the subject when the other person has the time to really listen and process what you’re saying. Avoid trying to start the conversation when they’re rushed, stressed or about to head out the door.

• Be open and direct about what’s going on. Try something like, ‘I’ve been struggling with my mental health lately and I’ve been hurting myself to cope. I’m telling you because I trust you and I need some help.’

• Be clear about what you need. Do you want them to help you find a doctor? Or do you just need them to listen so you don't feel alone?

• Plan some self-care for afterwards. It could be listening to music, watching a favourite show or taking a nap. Talking about needing help is brave and really difficult, so be kind to yourself.

What do I say if they ask why I’ve self-harmed?

When someone asks why you’ve self-harmed, they’re often just trying to understand your experience so they can support you. You don’t owe them a full explanation, but giving them a broad outline can help them to understand what you’re going through so that they don’t panic or react poorly.

You could say: 

• ‘When my head gets too loud or painful, it’s a way to make that feeling stop for a minute.’

• ‘Sometimes everything in my life feels messy or out of my hands. Hurting myself feels like the only thing I can actually control.’

• ‘It’s how I show on the outside how much I’m hurting on the inside. It makes the emotional pain feel more “real” and easier to deal with.’

If you don't have the words yet, it’s okay to keep it brief and say: ‘It’s hard to explain, but it’s how I’ve been coping with big feelings. I’m telling you because I want to find a better way of doing that.’

What do I do if they want to see my injuries?

You never have to show someone your body if you don't want to. It’s usually better to describe your feelings rather than show injuries, as this can be distressing for both of you.

A doctor may ask to see injuries to ensure they’re healing correctly or to provide you with medical treatment. This is about your physical safety; it’s not a judgement.

Will they need to tell someone else about my self-harm?

If you talk to a friend, they aren't bound by professional rules, but they might tell a parent if they’re worried about you. If you talk to a professional (like a counsellor or doctor), they generally have to keep it confidential unless they believe you’re in immediate danger or that someone else is at risk. If so, they must tell someone (like a parent or a mental health team) in order to keep you safe. To help you know what to expect, you can ask them, 'If I tell you something serious, do you have to tell anyone else?' 

What if I tell them about my self-harm and they react badly?

If someone learns of your self-harm and reacts with anger, or if they panic or try to police your behaviour, remember that this is a reflection of their own fear. Many people react poorly simply because they care about you and don’t know how to help you. This can cause them to say things that feel judgemental or overwhelming in the heat of the moment.

If a conversation becomes too intense or feels like it’s doing more harm than good, it’s okay to step back and say, ‘I can see this is upsetting for you, so let’s talk later when we’re both calmer.’ A bad experience doesn't mean you were wrong to speak up; it just means that this specific person might be in shock and may need time to process what you’ve told them, or they might not be the best person to support you right now. Getting in touch with a professional or a helpline worker can be the best option at this moment, as they’re trained to remain calm, supportive and helpful.

What if someone asks about my self-harm unexpectedly?

Sometimes you don't get to choose the time or place to start having the conversation. Maybe someone sees a scar or an injury and asks, 'What’s that?' or 'Are you okay?' There are a few ways you can handle it when you’re taken by surprise:

• You could be upfront, if you feel safe: ‘I’ve been struggling lately and I’ve been hurting myself to cope. I’m not ready to go into detail right now, but I’m getting help.’

• You could buy yourself time and ask to talk later: ‘I’m not ready to talk about that right now, but thanks for caring enough to ask. Can we talk about it another time?’

• You could keep it private: 'Those are just old injuries from a hard time in my life. I'm okay now, but thanks for asking.'

You don’t have to give someone the full story just because they asked.

How do I tell someone about past self-harm or old scars?

You have the right to share your history on your own terms. You aren't ‘hiding’ anything; you're just choosing when you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. If someone notices evidence of past self-harm, you can be direct: 'Those are from a time when I was really struggling. I'm in a different place now, but thanks for checking in.' Set a boundary if you’re not comfortable talking about it more: 'I'm not ready to talk about that right now, but I appreciate your asking.'