Quiz: What’s your boundary style?

When you say ‘yes’ to everything because you don’t want to disappoint people, you often end up feeling burnt out, resentful, exhausted or, in some cases, unsafe. Having strong boundaries helps you to conserve your emotional energy, builds your self-esteem and allows for healthier connections. 

Often, we associate sharing a boundary with risking a relationship and so we feel guilty about setting them, but boundaries don’t make you mean – they’re actually one of the best things for any relationship. By being clear about what you need, you avoid getting angry or upset later on. It’s about building trust and respect between the two of you. If someone gets mad at you for having a limit, it usually means they liked it better when they could push you around.

Boundaries are meant to protect your connections with people, not ice people out. If you use ‘boundaries’ as an excuse to never compromise, to never listen to anyone else or to punish people by ignoring them, you haven’t built a boundary, you’ve just built a wall. Healthy boundaries are flexible. You can love your community and your mates while still needing your own space.

Abruptly disappearing (ghosting) is usually just a way to avoid a hard conversation, but it’s rarely a substitute for a true boundary. A real boundary that is clearly communicated gives the other person a fair chance to understand what you need. Ghosting leaves people hanging and makes things awkward. Sending one short, honest text takes guts, but it clears the air and is the best way to ensure that the behaviour that breached your boundaries doesn’t repeat in future.

To figure out if you need to set a boundary in a certain situation, ask yourself:

• Do I feel drained, annoyed or heavy after hanging out with someone?

• Am I saying ‘yes’, but wishing I could say ‘no’?

• Do I feel a tightness in my chest, a knot in my stomach, or like my muscles are clenching up? Your body usually clues you in before your brain does.

If your gut says something is off, it’s usually a sign that a boundary could be helpful.

When stating a boundary, keep it short, kind and direct. You don’t need a strict script; just say what’s happening and what you need next. For example, if a mate is venting to you about their drama for hours and you’re totally overwhelmed, you could say the following: ‘I really want to be there for you, but my brain is fried right now and I can’t give you good advice. Can we talk about something else for a bit and come back to this another time?’ By focusing on your own needs rather than just criticising their behaviour, the other person is less likely to feel defensive.

It’s normal to feel a pang of guilt when you first start setting boundaries, but when that feeling pops up, remind yourself: being clear about your needs isn’t being mean; it’s just being honest.

Boundaries are flexible and can be changed whenever you want. If you ever feel like something is off, it’s never too late to re-establish old boundaries or set new ones. Just make sure to communicate changes so others have the chance to respect them.

Setting boundaries with family can be really tough, especially if you live in a house where everyone is always in each other’s business. The secret is to focus on small, calm steps:

• Time it right. Don’t bring up a boundary during a fight, if you can avoid it. Wait for a calm moment, like while you’re washing up or driving to the shops.

• Explain your reasoning in a way that shows you care. For example: ‘I love hanging out with everyone, but I really need an hour of quiet time in my room after school so I’m not grumpy at dinner.’ 

• Meet them halfway. You might not get total freedom, but if you want more privacy, you might agree to keep your door open during the day but shut at night. 

• It goes both ways. If you want others to respect your boundaries, you’ve also got to respect the ones they set (like chores or curfews).

Setting boundaries at work is a very personal and individual thing; it will depend on the type of work you do, the type of workplace you’re at, and how open your colleagues are, for example. Work boundaries are about making sure you get treated fairly and aren’t taken advantage of. You’re paid for your time, but your life outside of work belongs to you. This also comes down to how much you share, or don’t share, with your colleagues about your personal life.

• If your boss texts you on your day off asking you to cover a shift you can’t do, you don’t need to make up a massive lie. Try saying: ‘Sorry, I can’t cover that one as I have other commitments today. See you on Tuesday.’

• If you feel pressured to stay late, say: ‘I’m heading off now, so I’ll log into this first thing tomorrow morning when my shift starts.’

• You don’t have to tell your coworkers or boss details of your personal life if you don’t want to. In some cases, it might be inappropriate to share personal details, and that will be a judgement call for you to make. It’s fine to keep things casual and to chat about footy, movies or music instead.

In a relationship, boundaries are the things that keep you feeling safe, respected and like your own person. You should have clear, open conversations about:

• what you are comfortable with physically (knowing you can change your mind at any time)

• how much time you spend together versus time with your own mates, your family or by yourself

• being okay with not replying to texts instantly, and not sharing passwords if you don't want to

• agreeing that even if you have a big argument, it’s not okay to yell, put each other down or get physical.

If your partner constantly crosses these lines and makes you feel guilty for having limits, that can be a red flag. You can contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) for 24/7 support around respectful relationships.

When someone pushes past your boundary, they may be testing to see if you actually mean it. You can’t force them to change, but you can choose what you do next. Listen to your gut and be aware of how this makes you feel.

• Remind them once, casually: ‘I’ve already mentioned I’m not up for debating this. This is what I need.’ In some cases, they may have just forgotten, or maybe they misunderstood.

• If they push again, be firm about what you’ll do if they continue: ‘If you keep doing this, I’m going to hang up/leave the room.’

• If they still don’t listen, don’t stand there arguing or shouting; just remove yourself from the situation, however you can. You aren’t being rude; you’re following through on your own word. Boundaries only work if we enforce them.

It’s normal to feel a little stung when someone tells you they need space or don’t like something you did. But remember: they’re trying to keep the relationship healthy, not end it. It can also show they trust you enough to be open. Here’s how to deal with it: 

• Pause and take a breath before you respond. Don’t get defensive straight away. Remind yourself that they are trying to keep things healthy, not to hurt or reject you.

• Let them finish explaining their thoughts without interrupting them, and try to listen for the reason behind their decision. For example, if someone wants to set a boundary around texting late at night, it’s usually because they need to rest, not that they’re mad at you.

• Keep your response simple. You don’t need to make a long speech. Just acknowledge what they said and agree to it: ‘No worries, I get it. I’ll respect that.’

• Own up if you mess up. If you accidentally stepped over the line, there’s no need to make a million excuses. Just say: ‘Sorry about that. I didn’t realise it was bothering you. I’ll stop doing it.’

You don’t have to be perfect. Showing that you care about the other person’s comfort matters much more than being right.

Setting boundaries takes practice, and it can feel pretty scary at first, but you don’t have to do it alone: 

• Ask someone you trust, like a friend or relative, for advice. They can help you get some clarity and maybe even role-play a tough conversation before you have it for real. 

• Talking with a mental health professional such as a counsellor or psychologist can also help you to build strategies that work for you in your everyday life. PeerChat also offers free, anonymous chat support from a peer worker who gets it.

• If someone reacts to your boundaries with threats or violence, or by tracking your phone or making you feel scared, get professional support immediately. You can contact 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) 24/7 for free, confidential support around relationships.