Rebuilding trust after cheating

Written by Aleks Trkulja, a certified Sex and Relationship Therapist, Body Image Therapist and trauma-informed clinician who founded The Pleasure Centre in Eora/Sydney. She's also a writer and educator dedicated to making conversations about sex and wellbeing more accessible.

Cheating is incredibly common. Many couples weather the storm and come out the other side stronger, but how do they do it?

As a sex, relationships and trauma therapist, I’ve worked with a lot of people to help them navigate the hurt of cheating. Something Dan Savage once said on his podcast really stuck with me regarding how we as a society think about cheating. He observed that, as flawed human beings, we factor in ‘human error’ when we’re doing maths, trying out a new recipe, playing a sport or learning a musical instrument. We accept that mistakes happen, except when it comes to one thing: monogamy. 

Savage argues that romantic relationships are the only place we expect absolute perfection. We are genuinely shocked when someone cheats or makes a mistake that damages trust. 

If you’re facing this situation right now, here’s a breakdown of how to decide whether to stay in the relationship, what actionable steps you and your partner can take to rebuild trust, and where to turn to for support.

How to decide whether to stay or leave

You don’t need to decide immediately whether to stay in a relationship if somebody has cheated on you. Often it’s really confusing because, alongside the feelings of betrayal, anger and fear, there’s also love and the sense of safety and familiarity. 

It’s completely okay if you decide you want to leave the relationship, even if the other person feels really sorry about hurting you and promises to fix things. You need to look after your own happiness and mental health, especially if the relationship makes you constantly feel bad or that the cheating was your fault.

When I’m working with clients, I’m always looking for signs that repair is possible. Without these signs, staying in a relationship can create ongoing hurt that honestly isn’t worth it. No matter how much you love someone. 

Here’s what to look out for:

Signs the relationship has become toxic or unhealthy

Sometimes the relationship needs to be exited safely, rather than be negotiated. Be aware of red flags such as:

• They isolate you from your friends or family.

• They control who you speak to or meet.

• They control your appearance and clothing choices.

• They pressure you, or cross your physical or sexual boundaries. 

These are signs of coercive control and abuse. They can happen in all kinds of relationships (whether you’re straight, gay, bi, old or young). If you recognise any of these behaviours and want support, please contact 1800RESPECT, Australia's national domestic, family and sexual violence counselling line.

6 steps for rebuilding trust 

If there are genuine signs that repair is possible in your relationship, healing requires effort from both sides. The person who broke the trust has the biggest job, because they must prove they can be safe and honest again. However, the hurt person will also have to take a risk by opening up and allowing themselves to trust again. 

Here are six actionable steps to guide the healing process. 

1. Atonement

The person who cheated needs to accept full responsibility and be accountable. 'But you …' statements minimise their behaviour and shift the blame, which is a repair-work killer. 

Practical action: have a full, honest disclosure conversation

• Instead of discussing the cheating behaviour over weeks, get the whole story out in one sitting. It can be traumatic for the betrayed partner to keep coming back to the same hurtful conversation. 

• The partner who cheated should be clear that they’ve ended things with the third party and have no intention of maintaining a connection with them. This is important, because it’s like you’re revisiting your original 'are we exclusive?' conversation. You need to be on the same page, and sometimes we need to hear things said loudly and clearly. 

2. Reliability

Trust is rebuilt through consistent actions, not apologies.

Practical actions:

• Be reachable. Pick up their calls or reply quickly whenever you can.

• Share your plans so no one is left guessing where the other is during the day. 

• Stick to your word. If you say you’ll get home by 10 pm, be home by 10 pm. If something comes up, send your partner a quick text to explain this so they don’t have to check in with you.

• If your partner asks who you’re with, tell them honestly. 

• Don’t hide your phone, or leave it lying face down around them to stop them from seeing who messages you. 

Sharing your location or offering your partner access to your phone is a temporary strategy for rebuilding trust that some couples use, but it isn’t something your partner is entitled to demand forever. 

A note on vulnerability from the hurt partner

Rebuilding trust will require you to sit in the vulnerability of reconnecting with someone who hurt you. A common thing I witness is the person being cheated on having a hard time letting go of what happened. This is understandable, but if you choose to do the repair work, you are committing to learning to trust this person again. 

If trying to rebuild trust makes you feel even more anxious, paranoid or angry, working with a therapist can help you to understand if staying is truly the right choice for you.

3. Attunement

Rebuilding emotional connection in your relationship requires intentional communication. This can look like daily or weekly check-ins, where everyone shares how they’re feeling without deflecting or being defensive. 

Practical action: practise active listening

• Before responding, reflect back what you heard. For example:

  • 'What I heard was …'

  • 'It sounds like you’re feeling quite sad today …'

  • 'I’m hearing that you need me to offer you more reassurance …'

• Validate the other person’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying.

  • Instead of saying, 'But I didn’t do anything!', try something like: 'I can see that going out with my friends brought up those feelings of anxiety and betrayal because of what happened. That makes sense.'

4. Curiosity

Moving past the shock of what happened means shifting from the specific facts of the cheating towards understanding the psychological reasons behind it. 

Practical action: ask questions that uncover the emotional ‘why’

Initially, we tend to ask questions like:

• 'Where were you?'

• 'Who was involved?'

• 'How many times?'

To understand what the cheating meant for the person who did it, try asking them: 

• 'What were you missing in our relationship?'

• 'What did stepping outside our relationship give you?'

• 'What stopped you from communicating with me about what you felt was missing?'

These questions help to move the dialogue towards creating some sense of meaning behind what the person felt they needed but didn’t know how to ask for. This can help the person who was cheated on understand that the cheating didn’t mean they weren’t desirable, lovable or enough. 

5. Focusing on the future

Give the relationship a sense of purpose beyond damage control by setting some shared goals for the future together. It could be anything from joining a dance class to taking a trip together. 

Reconnecting physically

It can take time to restore sex and intimacy. It’s natural for there to be overwhelm, shutdown or anxiety around sex after someone cheats. Discuss getting sexual health checks, especially if the sex with the third party was unprotected. 

Rebuilding comfortability with touch may happen only gradually, so you may want to sit down with your partner and manage their expectations around intimacy. This could look like saying: 'As we rebuild trust, I don’t feel comfortable having sex. I still feel too vulnerable. Kissing and cuddling feels good for now.'

If navigating sex and intimacy feels difficult, you can always consider professional support with a sex therapist or couples counsellor. 

6. Forgiveness 

Rebuilding trust is a slow process that can’t be rushed, so it’s important to manage expectations around how long this might take. With intentional effort, some people may notice an improvement within a few months, but it might take years. 

Forgiveness is the space you might eventually find when you truly understand the root causes behind the cheating, feel validated by the responsibility they took, and see the effort they have put in to help repair their relationship with you. 

Where to go for professional support

Rebuilding trust after cheating is a challenge, but it’s possible. It can be especially hard for young people, because it’s likely to be your first experience with love. Many don’t yet have the skills to navigate an emotionally complex process like rebuilding trust after cheating. And that’s okay, because there’s nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship if you don’t think it’s the right one for you. 

If you’re finding this really tough to manage, please know that professional support from a therapist or counsellor can be really helpful in giving you a space to move through whatever decision you make for yourself.