What to do when you’ve cheated on someone
Cheating can cause a lot of pain for everyone involved, including the person who cheated. It’s common for people to struggle with guilt, panic and confusion after cheating. But while you can’t control the past, you can control what you do next.
We spoke with sex and relationships therapist Aleks Trkulja to understand how to take action after cheating.
In this article we’ll cover:
What ‘counts’ as cheating?Why did I cheat?How do I handle shame after cheating?Should I tell my partner I cheated?How do I tell my partner I cheated?Making a decision about the relationshipHow do I know if I need professional help after cheating?What ‘counts’ as cheating?
Cheating isn’t black and white. It all comes down to what behaviours you and your partner/s have agreed are okay and not okay. If you break those rules, then it’s cheating. This is true for all relationships, including if you’re open, poly or in any other type of non-monogamous (i.e. non-exclusive) relationships.
Some relationship types have unspoken rules. If you’ve agreed to be exclusive (monogamous) with someone, then it’s assumed that you won’t:
engage in a sexual activity with someone else
send flirty messages or nudes to someone else
form a romantic connection with someone else, even if you never touch each other.
It’s still important to talk about your boundaries, because you might disagree on what is and isn’t okay. For example, you might think kissing someone else is fine, as long as it’s just a peck. But your partner might consider any type of kissing as cheating.
These rules should be reasonable and apply to everyone. There’s a big difference between a healthy rule and controlling behaviour. For example, if your partner is trying to control who you speak to, that isn’t reasonable or fair. Read our guide to toxic relationships to learn more.
Being forced or coerced into sexual behaviour also isn’t cheating – it’s assault. If there’s no consent, you haven’t ‘hooked up’ with someone else, no matter what anyone says. Read our guides on sexual assault and leaked nudes to learn more and to connect with support.
If you’ve never had the rules chat with your partner, it can lead to a lot of confusion. If you’re worried you’ve cheated but aren’t sure, ask yourself:
Am I hiding this from my partner? If yes, why?
If my partner did the same thing, would it upset me? Would I consider it cheating?
If it feels like cheating, it probably is. But remember that however you classify it, your partner might have a different opinion.
Why did I cheat?
People cheat for lots of different reasons. It might be impulsive and driven by strong emotions. Or it could be deliberate and planned. Sometimes people cheat in response to their partner’s behaviours or actions. This can create a confusing grey area:
I see people feel really confused around cheating because it’s a values conflict. They value turning up as a respectful partner, but they also value getting their needs met.
Aleks
Ultimately, the reason why you cheated doesn’t excuse the cheating. You still breached your partner’s trust. But understanding the ‘why’ will help you to work out your next best step.
If you cheated, think about what was motivating you in the moment. Were you:
looking for a distraction
craving some excitement, attention or validation
aiming to impress your friends or the people around you
hoping to deepen your romantic, emotional or physical connection with the other person
seeking revenge or wanting to hurt your partner
looking to end your relationship?
Then think about the underlying feeling that was driving your motivation. Try not to judge your emotions, they’re part of what makes you human. Were you feeling:
stressed, sad or confused
bored
insecure in yourself or your relationship
pressured by your peers or socially anxious
angry or heartbroken
turned on and/or romantic?
Being drunk or high is a common reason people give for cheating. But while substance use can make you more impulsive and reckless, it’s not an excuse. Alcohol and drugs limit your self-control and so can affect your ability to make good decisions. They don’t create new desires out of nowhere or force you to cheat. There is still a reason why you cheated.
Sometimes you can be so drunk or high that you ‘black out’. If this is the case, you can no longer give sexual consent. These types of situations aren’t always clear-cut. It’s best to talk them through with your partner and maybe even with a therapist or other professional.
Cheating is a behaviour, not a permanent part of your DNA. It’s a choice made in a moment, and it’s often driven by something else that’s going on in our lives. With some work, we can change our behaviours.
You have to be willing to look at the reason why you felt the way you did and to build a plan to handle those feelings differently next time. Were you feeling lonely? Were you scared to bring up a problem in your relationship? Did you feel like you weren’t enough for your partner?
When we believe we’re not trustworthy or deserving of love, we move through the world defined by that. Then we subconsciously look for situations that prove us right, which leads to repeating the behaviour. By challenging these beliefs, you can start to define yourself in terms of the person you want to be – someone who is honest, loving and values open communication.
Aleks
No one is perfect; we’re all a work in progress. Think of this as a lesson that will help you to grow. It’s a painful way to learn, but it can be the starting point for becoming a more self-aware, loyal and honest version of yourself. You aren’t stuck in this mistake forever unless you choose to be. You have the capacity to grow, learn and show up differently in the future.
How do I handle shame after cheating?
It’s understandable to feel ashamed after you’ve broken someone’s trust by cheating on them. It can be a pretty heavy space to sit in, but shame is how we know that we haven’t been acting the way we think we should. You don’t want to ignore this feeling, but you also can’t let it prevent you from healing. This is called ‘the shame spiral’ and it’s very unhelpful.
Shame is like a vampire: it thrives in the dark. It’s felt as strongly as a stress response like fight or flight.
Aleks
The best way to handle shame is to recognise how it differs from guilt. Shame can make us believe that we ourselves are bad, broken or a failure. Guilt tells us that our actions were bad or unkind. It’s important to challenge negative shame thoughts whenever they appear. You want to move from a place of shame to a place of guilt.
Shame says … | Guilt says … |
|---|---|
I’m a bad person who can’t change. | I did a bad thing, but I’m working to do better. |
I cheated because I’m broken. | I cheated as a reaction to how I was feeling and I know I need to find healthier ways to manage that. |
I don’t deserve love again. | I hurt someone I love, and I feel awful about that. But everyone makes mistakes, and it doesn’t mean I’ll never love again. |
If you're struggling with the spiral, dig deeper into what you need to know about shame.
Aleks also encourages acting in alignment with your values, and recognising those moments, as a way to overcome shame. For example, being honest even when it’s scary is a hard, but kind, thing to do. That should make you feel proud of, and compassionate towards, yourself.
‘No matter what happens in your relationship, it’s important to continue to work on forgiving yourself and to acknowledge that you’re doing the work. The more you do it, the more evidence you have that you’re trying your absolute best to do the repair work,’ Aleks says.
Should I tell my partner I cheated?
Telling someone you’ve broken their trust isn’t easy or comfortable. You might be scared, anxious or even a little panicked. But being honest about your cheating is the right thing to do. ‘Ultimately, you can choose the short-term discomfort of being honest, or the long-term, chronic discomfort of keeping a secret,’ Aleks says.
Not only is it kind to be honest, but keeping a secret like this just creates more problems.
It'll change how you show up in the relationship. Fear that the secret will come out will influence how you act around your partner. You might pull away and be distant, or be constantly irritable and anxious.
It prevents real intimacy and connection. You’re creating a wall between you and your partner that will grow bigger over time.
It takes away your partner’s ability to give informed consent. A decision made based on only some of the facts isn’t an informed, fair decision. Your partner deserves to have all the facts about their relationship with you and their sexual health.
It prevents healing. The truth will hurt even more if it’s revealed by someone else, or after you’ve lied for a long time. You may be wasting an opportunity for you to actually move past this with your partner.
Being honest won’t be a simple thing to do, but it’ll help you to understand how you got here and what comes next. It can lead to an open conversation that shows you where the relationship was struggling. Or it might help you to realise something about your own needs and desires.
Honesty is important, but always prioritise your safety. If you’re worried about physical violence or emotional abuse, don’t go into this alone. Ask someone you trust to help you figure out the safest course of action. You can also call 1800Respect to speak to a counsellor who will help you to create a safety plan and get further support.
How do I tell my partner I cheated?
Tough conversations are best had in person, so that you both feel seen and heard. Pick a location that feels private and safe for showing emotions. Somewhere very public can be uncomfortable and prevent real honesty and vulnerability. Expect that your partner might need some time alone after you’ve told them about your cheating, so pick a location that you can both easily (and safely) leave. Somewhere like a park at night that you drove them to is a bad idea.
If you’re worried about your safety in a private place, then these tips aren’t right for you. Ask someone you trust to help you figure out the safest course of action. Don’t go into this alone.
Try to pick a calm moment, when you know it won’t be too disruptive to your partner’s life. In the middle of a hectic exam period or right before their birthday party isn’t a good time. However, don’t use that as an excuse to keep putting it off. The longer you wait, the harder the conversation will be.
Be direct. Don’t dance around the point and make them guess what you’re trying to say. ‘I have something hard to say. I’ve cheated on you.’
Own it. Don’t try to shift the blame with excuses like ‘I was drunk’ or ‘You weren’t paying attention to me’. Instead, explain your motivations and take full responsibility for your actions. ‘At the time I was feeling really sad and wanted a distraction to help me forget about it for a while. I know that doesn’t make it okay.’
Tell them the facts, without sharing the graphic details. Be clear about the timeline: when it happened, and whether it was ongoing or a single occasion. Be honest about whether you used protection for sexual activities, but don’t go overboard with describing the cheating. Your partner doesn’t need a super-clear mental image.
Show you understand the impact. ‘I know this is a really hurtful thing to have done, and that I’ve broken your trust.’
Apologise. Whether you’re drowning in guilt or you have no regrets, you should apologise. You’ve hurt another person, and apologising to them is the kind, respectful thing to do.
Give them the lead. You might know what you want to do next, but your partner needs time to process what they’ve heard. They might cry, yell or just sit in silence. Give them space to react before you jump into next steps.
Anger is a natural response to being hurt. If your partner is really upset, try your best not to get defensive. Aim to listen more than you speak, and take their feelings seriously. Avoid saying things like: ‘You’re being dramatic’ or ‘Let’s talk when you’re calmer’. That will only cause more frustration and anger.
If the conversation gets too intense and loud, it’s okay to draw a line and try to cool things down. You could say something like: ‘You have every right to be angry, but we’re both getting pretty intense. Can we take a breather?’ They may not respond well to that either, and that’s okay. People need time to process big emotional reactions. But if you’re worried about your safety or the conversation is really out of control, it’s okay to walk away. You don’t need permission to leave. ‘I’m sorry I put us in this position, and I’m not running away from it, but I am going to leave. I’ll take your lead on when to talk again, but I don’t think it’s a good idea right now.’
Making a decision about the relationship
You should go into the chat with an idea of what you want for the relationship – to break up, or to stay together. But don’t make the decision for both of you or prevent your partner from participating in a conversation about it. Remember that your partner is a part of this relationship, too. They deserve a chance to voice their feelings and desires.
If you think that breaking up is the best approach, be honest and direct about it. Being clear is the kindest approach, even if it feels hard and uncomfortable in the moment. Remember that your partner might be really shocked and need some time to process things. Get some more tips for handling a break-up with respect.
If your partner wants to break up, you need to respect their wishes. While you both have a say, you’ve done something to harm the relationship and this is a consequence. You might be able to repair some of the relationship one day, but it takes space and time to heal.
Staying together after cheating is complicated, because it might not always be what’s best for you both. It also takes a lot of work to repair broken trust after cheating and to rebuild a strong relationship. Before deciding this is what you want, read Aleks’s advice about rebuilding trust after cheating.
If you’re hoping to stay together, be clear but don’t pressure your partner. Show that you understand there’ll be work needed to repair the trust. You could say something like: ‘I want to stay together and earn your trust back, but I understand if you need space or want to end things.’
If they ask to be left alone for a bit, you need to give them space. Love-bombing with messages, gifts and grand gestures is more manipulative than romantic.
There’s a misconception that you should pursue them relentlessly, but that’s more a reflection of anxiety than it is of love and care. Love and care comes from really respecting someone’s boundaries.
Aleks
How do I know if I need professional help after cheating?
This situation can be overwhelming and you don’t have to handle it on your own. Mental health professionals won’t judge you for cheating. They’ll help you to find the tools you need to navigate this challenge and avoid similar ones in the future.
Professionals can help you to:
understand your motivation and unpack your underlying feelings
work through any shame and guilt
plan how to tell your partner
cope with a break-up
rebuild trust in your relationship if you’ve decided to stay together
work through harmful relationship habits and patterns (e.g. sabotaging things when you feel happy, or chronic cheating).
‘We are human beings, not machines,’ Aleks says. ‘We mess up, and it can feel horrible, but it’s a part of being in human relationships. The best thing you can do if you feel really overwhelmed is to seek support from someone who can guide you and teach you the skills that ultimately we all need.’
A good first step can be talking with a peer worker about your situation. They’ll listen without being judgemental and will guide you to a good professional support option.
What can I do now?
Read Aleks’s take on rebuilding trust after cheating.
Get tips on good communication skills.